Sunday, December 30, 2012

Home Sweet Home

I am finally back at home and in my own space. I have done absolutely nothing today and it has been fantastic. SH is watching football and I am catching up on tv shows that he won't watch with me. There is no food in the house so we ordered enough Thai to get us through lunch and dinner and had it delivered. I'll venture back out into the world again tomorrow, but today I am hiding away in my apartment.

Despite my doom and gloom heading into it, my trip to Denver was actually very nice. I enjoyed being able to help bake the christmas cookies and I even helped with christmas dinner this time. The best part about helping to cook is you aren't expected to help clean. I'll take that any day. I really hate washing dishes. My sister-in-law (let's call her J) and I got facials. We took our niece, R, to see a Pompeii exhibit at the museum. R turned 16 while we were there and she was excited to drive us around (thankfully she is actually a good driver).  I played with J and R's puppy a lot. SH and I went to a Broncos game. It snowed on christmas eve so I woke up to a beautiful, white christmas morning. The trip ended on a sad note, however. J and R's cat had really bad asthma and took a turn for the worse on our last day there. They took her to the vet and decided to put her down so she wasn't suffering anymore. This made me especially sad since my cat was just diagnosed with asthma a few months ago. I saw her future and it's not going to be easy (on her or us).

We did get some unintentionally insensitive comments this time. I'll start by saying that I have been pretty lucky in this regard. I read the lists of "things to never say to an infertile" and am horrified at the things people say and feel very fortunate that I really haven't encountered much of that. I don't know if it's because we haven't told many people or because the people that we have told don't seem to know what to say so end up avoiding the subject altogether. My mother-in law pulled out "maybe it's not meant to be" and then said we can at least move on knowing we tried everything. I told her knowing we tried everything is not going to make me feel better if I never get pregnant. She also implied a different position would help, that when she didn't get pregnant right away her doctor suggested position number 52 (or some number. I don't want to know. I really don't want to know) and it worked. SH's brother, M, and his pregnant wife, K, are usually the most likely to say something hurtful while thinking they are being supportive. There is just so much pity in their voices when they talk to us. They dealt with infertility and are now pregnant with their 2nd child who was conceived through IVF. When we first told them we were doing IVF their words of support were that they never used the word infertile and their nurse told them as long as you have a uterus you can get pregnant. WTF?!? What nurse would say that? During this trip they were respectful and didn't talk about their pregnancy with us which I appreciated. I do feel terrible that I can't be excited for them right now. As I was saying goodbye, K and M promised to come visit us soon. Then K says they'll come in April (when she's due) and drop off a little bundle of joy and then they'll be on their way. It was basically the "you can't have kids? take mine" response. It doesn't sound so bad now, but the way she said it combined with other comments she made about having this baby just really got to me. She doesn't seem to want to actually have another kid so I can't quite figure out why she went to so much trouble and expense to get pregnant. "Dreading" having a 2nd kid may be cute to fertiles, but know your audience.

I did manage to break away from the family for a couple hours and have lunch with a friend who recently moved to Denver. She mentioned in passing that she and her fiancee had been trying to have a baby for a few years but she didn't think it was going to happen. I wasn't happy to hear that, but I was sort of excited that I may have a real life friend who could understand. I told her we were struggling and had 2 failed IVF's. She basically said she stopped taking birth control a few years ago and she hasn't really used opk's because she was confused by them or she would forget when she was supposed to use them. She also didn't want sex to become scheduled and mechanical.  They haven't been to an RE to see if there are any problems. She says they are planning on it, but she doesn't seem in any rush. I got the feeling they would like to have a kid if it happens but won't be devastated if it doesn't. Neither one of them wanted kids before they met. I sort of told her if kids aren't actually that important to her then she may not want to venture into fertility treatments. It's not for the faint of heart. Then she said if it doesn't happen soon she wants her fiancee to get a vasectomy because she doesn't want to be that woman who accidentally gets pregnant at 42 after giving up TTC.  I certainly hopes it happens sooner than that for me, but at this point I would be ecstatic to accidentally get pregnant at 42. Oh well. I guess I don't have a real life infertile friend after all. Well, now she knows I have been through it so if she decides to pursue anything she can always talk to me.

Overall, the holidays were relatively painless, but I am happy they are over. I am happy to be back at home sleeping in my own bed. I am trying to be happy about this upcoming IVF cycle. It's coming up fast so I better get ready.

3 comments:

  1. You must be so happy to be home! Was your MIL suggesting a different sexual position? Hello clueless and awkward! Sorry the infertility survivors aren't more sensitive, I think for some the experience stays with and others forget easily. Your friend may not be at the point of treatments, but if she does, I know she'll be lucky to confide in you. Sending you positive vibes as you approach you next cycle!

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  2. Re: your MIL, I would have been torn between thinking "Wow, that's a really insensitive thing to say!" and "Wow, I really didn't need the mental image of you having sex in ANY position!". I also can't imagine anyone who went through IVF making a joke about giving up their baby, but it takes all kinds.

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  3. Your SIL sounds like a piece of work. Really. Crazy that she would be that way after going through IVF. Glad your Christmas was pretty good overall! I'm sure it feels amazing to be home.

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