Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Magical thinking

Earlier this year I started volunteering for Planned Parenthood. Mostly because I really believe in what they do and since I have the time (being childless and all) I decided to give back a little and volunteer my time.  It's not all selflessness and altruism, though. I was also hoping to build up some good karma points. Then I realized, while stuffing condom packs for a health fair, that it goes even deeper than just wanting good karma. I had this thought that since I am helping, even in my own small way, to prevent unwanted pregnancies, that I am owed that pregnancy - as if there are a limited amount of pregnancies available in the world and other people are just getting them before I can. It's crazy, I know. But infertility has made me irrational and superstitious.

Here is just a sampling of some of the random thoughts that run through my mind:

  • I was in New Orleans last year and visited a voodoo shop. Of course I bought the fertility voodoo doll. Now I can't find it and I don't even have a memory of packing it and bringing it home with me. So, of course, I am now worried about what kind of bad luck comes from losing a voodoo doll.
  • I really, really want this adorable Tigger onsie from Disneyland. I see it there every time I go. But I won't buy it unless I am pregnant. Solidly, visibly, past all danger pregnant. I am afraid I'll jinx it. Like buying baby clothes now would be just a little too confident and the universe might want to knock me down a little.
  • SH likes to buy lottery tickets. He realizes it's a long shot but says you can't win if you don't play. My worry is that we WILL win and all our luck will be used up. And we need all of our luck for our next IVF. As a couple, we really seem to have a very limited supply of good luck these days and we can't spare  any on the lottery. Only I could twist winning the lottery into a bad thing.
(I could go on, but it's a bit early in our relationship to expose you to all the truly crazy thoughts swirling around in my head.)
I am a huge believer in luck. I think even the smartest, most educated and talented people need a little luck in order to be successful. I also think luck is the thing keeping us from getting pregnant. We are doing everything possible with both eastern and western medicine and I believe it will finally work if we just get a little luck.  Maybe luck comes from attitude and I definitely am not full of unicorns and rainbows. I am working on changing that and want to have a better attitude but it's really hard when life keeps handing you a big bowl of suck. Maybe that will be my new year's resolution - to try harder to find the positives in life. Maybe it will turn my luck around.

6 comments:

  1. I always admire people who have a positive attitude even when the situation doesn't seem to call for it. My sense of humour tends to run to the dry and sarcastic though, and my attitude is similar. I know there's a ton of research out there about mind over matter and the power of positive thinking, so if you figure out a way to conquer that then let me know, I could use the advice!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dry and sarcastic? Now you are speaking my language. I haven't had much success with positive thinking or new years resolutions so I am not holding out much hope. See? I am already failing the positive thinking experiment.

      Delete
  2. I too had magical thinking...and fear of needles...which required my super hubby to.do the injections. I'm done with IVF now..for us third time was the charm..though with donor eggs ...best of luck on your third try!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Couldn't agree more with the magical thinking bizness - it was quite the revelation when it dawned on me that there is not a finite amount of fertility in the world (i.e. other people's proclivity for pregnancy does not impact my own.) It's easy to think crazy thoughts on this roller coaster! Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I will start following you as we have similiar paths. I also worked at Planned Parenthood and I beleive all parenting should be a choice. I've wondered if karma has stuck me in some way, but I ilke your way of viewing it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This post made me laugh, in a good way, no offense. I've had similar thoughts too and I'm also superstitious. Like I need more stuff to worry and drive myself crazy about! ha!

    ReplyDelete