Sunday, January 27, 2013

My new normal

It's weird that infertility feels normal to me now. This constant state of disappointment feels normal. The constant research and doctor's appointments and waiting all feel normal. I am well over the shock of knowing I would need medical help to get pregnant. I long ago stopped expecting to see a 2nd line. I always hoped but never expected. I forget what life was like before TTC and infertility. I worry about what it will be like after. Is there an after or will infertility always be with me, regardless of the outcome? I feel like infertility has changed me and there is no going back.

IVF now just feels like a routine medical procedure I have to do every few months. Some people have dialysis or chemo. I have another round of IVF.  What started out as this completely overwhelming and scary thing has become just a normal part of my life. How did that happen? When I started down this road of RE's and testing and ultrasounds and injections, I never once thought I would become an IVF "veteran." I never thought it would take this many attempts. I never thought, 4 1/2 years after throwing out my birth control, that I would still be waiting to see a positive pregnancy test.

I am (hopefully) days away from starting my 3rd IVF and it has me thinking.  A lot. Probably too much. So I'm rambling. I'm ready to get this started. I'm nervous I'll be delayed again. I'm scared it won't work. I'm hopeful it will. I've done everything I can to prepare my body, so now I just have to trust it to do what I need it to do. And I have to hope the universe will throw me a little luck this time.

14 comments:

  1. ICLW #55. For me, IF did change me permanently. It's something that's always there, like a filter over every conversation and interaction. I can't say that it's better or worse than before -- but it is certainly a different way to exist in the world.

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  2. I think infertility will always be with us, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Whether or not we're ever successful, I think we end up understanding a lot more about facing adversity and finding inner strength than people who haven't gone through this. Of course we've got scars other people don't too. Anyway, I really hope the universe is listening and will pony up some luck this time around. You deserve it!

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  3. Good luck with your next round. I'm sorry it's become a routine thing for you.

    Visiting from ICLW.

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  4. Like Sharah said, I too feel a permanent shift in both who I am as a person, and my outlook on life. I think I've made peace with it now. Or at least, I'm in the process...

    Wishing you so much luck as you embark on this IVF. May this be the time that the universe throws you the luck you need!

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  5. I know how you feel. Seriously, how did I fill my time before IF? I though I was a good multitasker then, but now IF is like a second job! And I somehow manage it all! It is weird how normal and "part" of me it has become. I agree with Sharah and Arami's thoughts - that it will always be a filter over us and hopefully it will have taught us a lot about adversity! I am keeping everything crossed for you this cycle!

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  6. I quite agree with Sharah and Aramis. Infertility has changed me and it will be with me forever. I have learned to not judge people (especially pregnant women) based on their appearance, even if it is still difficult to do at times. I am much more conscious of what I say about pregnancy and babies. You never know who is struggling...

    It took us 3 IVFs cycles (and some FETs) before we got our BFP and take home baby. It is unfortunate that these do be come the norm. I truly hope this is it for you and you don't have to go through any more normal and routine IVF cycles. Thinking of you!

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  7. Hi from ICLW! Good luck with your next round of IVF. You are braver than me. After only one IVF, I don't think I could do it again...

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  8. Ah yes... I completely agree. I think this reaction is all part of the "numbing" thing we IFers deal with to protect our emotions. In the long run, I imagine we'll look back at this period much like we look back at bad ex-boyfriends -- with a little cringe, a head shake, and then thankfulness for the present and future. Here's hoping for a great cycle!

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  9. Yeah, this "normal" sucks. Right there with you.

    Best wishes as you embark on the next IVF.

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  10. Amanda, an infertility survivor who is now 14 wks preggers with twins wrote "IF will always be with us" and that quote sticks with me a lot. I do remember there are some good things that come out of the IF experience (besides, hopefully a baby) that makes us stronger in the long run...

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