It's weird that infertility feels normal to me now. This constant state of disappointment feels normal. The constant research and doctor's appointments and waiting all feel normal. I am well over the shock of knowing I would need medical help to get pregnant. I long ago stopped expecting to see a 2nd line. I always hoped but never expected. I forget what life was like before TTC and infertility. I worry about what it will be like after. Is there an after or will infertility always be with me, regardless of the outcome? I feel like infertility has changed me and there is no going back.
IVF now just feels like a routine medical procedure I have to do every few months. Some people have dialysis or chemo. I have another round of IVF. What started out as this completely overwhelming and scary thing has become just a normal part of my life. How did that happen? When I started down this road of RE's and testing and ultrasounds and injections, I never once thought I would become an IVF "veteran." I never thought it would take this many attempts. I never thought, 4 1/2 years after throwing out my birth control, that I would still be waiting to see a positive pregnancy test.
I am (hopefully) days away from starting my 3rd IVF and it has me thinking. A lot. Probably too much. So I'm rambling. I'm ready to get this started. I'm nervous I'll be delayed again. I'm scared it won't work. I'm hopeful it will. I've done everything I can to prepare my body, so now I just have to trust it to do what I need it to do. And I have to hope the universe will throw me a little luck this time.