Tuesday, March 26, 2013


Today is our 5 year wedding anniversary. We got married in Mexico on an island called Isla Mujeres. The island is great because it's a little off the beaten track. It has all the best things about a beach vacation in Mexico without all the annoying things (like vendors constantly trying to sell you things while you are trying to relax on the beach with a margarita). We rented a house on the beach for the week and only invited our immediate family. The ceremony was on the secluded beach in front of the house at sunset. It was a perfect day and a fun week of vacation with our families.

At the time, I always imagined (planned?) that we would go back to that house, or at least back to the island for our 5 year anniversary. I also imagined that we would be making that trip with a toddler. Things didn't quite work out that way, but I am so grateful to have something new to celebrate this year. Maybe we'll make it back to Mexico for our 10 year anniversary with our 2 little ones in tow.

Here are a few pictures from our wedding:

There are better pictures, but I am a little nervous about posting pictures of myself so I tried to only use ones where you can't totally see our faces.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


I'm alive! Sorry I have been a little absent from the blog world lately. I have had a hard time keeping up over the last week because reading and looking at my computer were making me feel more nauseous. I'm feeling a little better today so I have been able to catch up on all of your posts. Phew. That is a lot of reading. It's also been frustrating because I feel like there is so much I want to research right now and I just can't. I am lost without Dr. Google!

I had my 2nd ultrasound yesterday and it went great. I still didn't get specifics, but I asked if they were growing properly and if everything was progressing and Dr. N said that everything looks great. We heard the heartbeats again and it was music to my ears. They want to see me again in 2 weeks when I will be 9w2d (seriously. still so surreal) I have to continue the PIO shots every day this week then every other day next week and hopefully I'll be able to stop after that. I'm not really sure when they plan on releasing me to an OBGYN. My clinic tends not to give me an overall picture of what's happening, they just give me one step at a time.

Dr. N wants me to start increasing my activity level but that is much easier said than done.  Some days I feel like even going to a movie is too much effort. While I am truly grateful for the reason I feel like crap, I also feel like infertiles should get a free pass on nausea and food aversions. It only seems fair. I did get a prescription anti-nausea medication that has helped keep the nausea at a more tolerable level, thankfully. I am also able to keep all my food down so I do realize it could be worse. SH joked that I am only eating from the kids menu now - grilled cheese, mac & cheese, spaghetti - but he has been great at taking care of me. He goes to the grocery store since I just can't handle it right now. He makes all my kid-friendly meals for me. He has been amazing.

Fun Fact: I think I have mentioned before that SH is an identical twin. I just learned that his mom found out she was having twins with an x-ray! The doctor thought he heard more than one heartbeat so did an x-ray. Then she went out with her husband to celebrate by having a couple cocktails. They told the bartender they just found out they were expecting twins so he made her a special drink. Times sure have changed.

Monday, March 11, 2013

We finally have our answer

It's TWINS!!!! I have 2 babies cooking in there.

(I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I am that it isn't triplets.  I did not want to deal with making the decisions that would have come with there being triplets.)

After reading so many infertility blogs and seeing so many early ultrasound pictures, I sort of knew what I was looking for so I knew it was twins as soon as she started. I guess the ultrasound tech (we got our favorite one today) turned to SH and held up 2 fingers to let him know since he didn't have a great view of the screen from where he was sitting. Both had heartbeats. We saw and heard them both. It was kind of amazing. I teared up a little. They sounded good and strong. They didn't tell us where they were measuring or what the heart rate was and we decided not to ask. Those things can vary so much at this stage that we decided knowing exact numbers would probably just make us worry unnecessarily. I figure if something is wrong or there is need to be concerned, they will tell us.

The sort of bad news is there is apparently a minor separation of the placenta from the uterus. The nurse said this is pretty common and she sees it at least a couple times a week. It usually resolves itself and no one seemed especially concerned about it. I have to add PIO shots (in addition to the vaginal progesterone I am already taking) and limit my activity until it works itself out. Just when I thought I had managed to avoid PIO shots. I go back in a week for another ultrasound.

The nurse actually gave me the first PIO shot at the clinic this morning so she could show SH how to do it.  The only way I have been able to handle all the injections and blood draws is by lying down any time a needle is stuck in me. This system has pretty much eliminated all fainting and light-headedness.  Because of the location of the PIO shot I couldn't lay down so I just had to try and keep my head low. The shot didn't even hurt but it still got me. I got so, so, so light-headed. I had to sit in the waiting room with my head between my knees and sent SH to get the car. I wandered out in front when I thought he would be there but it took him longer than I anticipated. I had to sit down on the sidewalk, which was slightly damp from the grass just having been watered. When that didn't help I just had to lay down on the sidewalk. On a very busy, major street in Beverly Hills. One couple did actually stop to ask if I was ok. I felt like a psychology experiment to see how many people would stop and help a random woman laying on the sidewalk. Many people failed. Oh well. Thankfully I didn't actually need any help.

It's finally starting to feel more real. I am excited, but completely overwhelmed, at the idea of twins. This is going to be quite the adventure.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

I have all of the symptoms

All of them. I actually feel like crap. On the plus side, it's super reassuring that (hopefully) something is still happening in my uterus.  I wouldn't say that I feel pregnant, but I definitely don't feel like my normal self. Nausea has really kicked in this week and that's probably the hardest one to deal with. Strangely, I fluctuate between nauseous and starving so eating has definitely been a challenge. The only food that sounds remotely good to eat is fruit and anything involving melted cheese (mac 'n cheese, grilled cheese, quesadillas). Despite all that, I have had a pretty busy week and it has gone by surprisingly fast. I just have to get through the weekend and my ultrasound is bright and early Monday morning!

Somehow, I managed to make it through 3(!) job interviews this week. I have trouble being outgoing and charming in an interview in the best of circumstances, so trying it while nauseous made it extra challenging. I think I did ok. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if anyone calls me back.  I also volunteered at a couple of Planned Parenthood events this week. One was a fundraiser and I had the job of greeting guests outside, directing them to check-in and around the protesters. I basically spent two hours standing next to (and trying to ignore) pro-life/anti-choice protesters carrying giant pictures of aborted fetuses. Yeah, that was good times right there. This was the first time I have encountered the protesters since I started volunteering with Planned Parenthood. It is REALLY hard to not respond to them but the official policy is non-engagement. I have so many things I want to say but in the end it's not worth it. I am not going to change their minds and I would just get myself all worked up.

I am still in a bit of disbelief that this is happening. I think all the nausea has started to make it seem a little more real, though. It also makes me not worry so much about not seeing a heartbeat.  That may be a bit naive. Especially for an infertile who has never exactly been optimistic. Don't get me wrong, I am still really anxious and excited and nervous and scared about this ultrasound but I also feel a little like things might actually be ok for once. And that is definitely a new feeling for me.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Tricking fate

I feel a little bit like we've pulled a fast one on Fate.  Fate has not been very good to us. Infertility has certainly been our biggest and most consistent issue, but it feels like the last few years have been filled with more bad than good in all aspects of our life. It seems like the more we want something, the less likely we are to get it, no matter how hard we work for it. Lately it feels like no matter what decision I make, in hindsight it ends up being the wrong decision, no matter how right it seemed at the time. Of course this has made me terrified of making any decisions and has left me sort of stuck. I feel like I should start acting like George Costanza in the episode of Seinfeld where he felt that all of his instincts and decisions were wrong and his life wasn't at all what he thought it would be. So he started doing the opposite of what he would normally do. And it worked. His life got better and he started to be successful, even getting a job with the Yankees.

I think, emotionally at least, we did just that with this round of IVF. We didn't spend the 2WW dwelling as much on what was or wasn't happening in my uterus. We didn't give the embryos nicknames or put their picture up on the fridge this time. Overall, we tried to ignore it as much as we could. Instead, we planned a trip to Napa. Just in case. We booked the hotel and SH spent hours researching and mapping which wineries we would go to. We spent a lot of time talking about this trip to Napa and how excited we were to go.  This, I think,  is where we confused Fate. Fate thought our endgame was Napa so gave us the one thing that would make us cancel our trip - a positive pregnancy test. So now I am a little afraid to temp Fate. I browsed the pregnancy books at the book store but couldn't bring myself to buy one just yet. I'm afraid to let Fate know just how much I want this. So I'm going to continue to be low key. To be happy, but not too excited. To be hopeful, but cautious.  I'm going to put more energy into some other areas of my life I want to improve. Hopefully, Fate will get bored and move on to someone else.