Sunday, March 3, 2013

Tricking fate

I feel a little bit like we've pulled a fast one on Fate.  Fate has not been very good to us. Infertility has certainly been our biggest and most consistent issue, but it feels like the last few years have been filled with more bad than good in all aspects of our life. It seems like the more we want something, the less likely we are to get it, no matter how hard we work for it. Lately it feels like no matter what decision I make, in hindsight it ends up being the wrong decision, no matter how right it seemed at the time. Of course this has made me terrified of making any decisions and has left me sort of stuck. I feel like I should start acting like George Costanza in the episode of Seinfeld where he felt that all of his instincts and decisions were wrong and his life wasn't at all what he thought it would be. So he started doing the opposite of what he would normally do. And it worked. His life got better and he started to be successful, even getting a job with the Yankees.


I think, emotionally at least, we did just that with this round of IVF. We didn't spend the 2WW dwelling as much on what was or wasn't happening in my uterus. We didn't give the embryos nicknames or put their picture up on the fridge this time. Overall, we tried to ignore it as much as we could. Instead, we planned a trip to Napa. Just in case. We booked the hotel and SH spent hours researching and mapping which wineries we would go to. We spent a lot of time talking about this trip to Napa and how excited we were to go.  This, I think,  is where we confused Fate. Fate thought our endgame was Napa so gave us the one thing that would make us cancel our trip - a positive pregnancy test. So now I am a little afraid to temp Fate. I browsed the pregnancy books at the book store but couldn't bring myself to buy one just yet. I'm afraid to let Fate know just how much I want this. So I'm going to continue to be low key. To be happy, but not too excited. To be hopeful, but cautious.  I'm going to put more energy into some other areas of my life I want to improve. Hopefully, Fate will get bored and move on to someone else.

13 comments:

  1. Oh, that is such a classic episode! I know I have such a poor sense of direction, I always act in the opposite of my instincts. Although I consider my self a rational, science based person, it's easy to think about the role of fate. However, I think she owes you one (or two..or three..)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well so far you've done a pretty bang up job of tricking fate! With all that, it sounds like you've done a great job of staying more relaxed this cycle and not experiencing the extreme roller coaster that usually happens. Not to say you aren't nervous, but if you allow yourself to enjoy the process, it is better for you and the babe(s) anyway. Maybe that will help you to actually enjoy this pregnancy instead of being a nervous wreck! When is your ultrasound? I can't wait to find out how many babies you have cookin' in there!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm hoping that Fate moves on soon... You deserve to be happy :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's so hard not to get sucked into these little mind games. Keep doing whatever makes you feel more at ease. I hope it passes soon, though, because, girl, you deserve to let yourself celebrate!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm glad you were able to go through this last IVF cycle in a relaxed state of mind. It certainly seems to have worked for you!! I am going to have to try the same thing when I go for IVF #2.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your news is incredible and it gives me hope, a very precious and scarce commodity for those of us TTC for years and years. Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Congrats on your news. :) Hoping that this all works out in your favour. Sending you lots of good vibes!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think you have every right to feel that way. Fate, like Aunt Flo, is a little sheister. Congrats! I can't wait to find out how many are in there!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Omg THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT NOW -- and it's driving me crazy, actually. Convincing myself that all is not well in hopes that it will make the universe ensure that, actually, things ARE all well is kind of exhausting and emotionally draining. Still, I cannot bring myself to buy maternity clothes or pregnancy books yet, either, not until the second trimester at least...

    ReplyDelete
  10. It is funny the mind games that we as people play with the universe/fate/God. I sincerely hope you are able to outwit fate and succeed with your IVF. I work at a Los Angeles fertility clinic and I've seen so much of what can be, and hope it will be.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yeah, I've tried to do this. Apparently I am not as sneaky as you...fate didn't really seem to believe that all I wanted was to focus on working out and losing weight. I thought it might trick her into making me good and fat and pregnant but no such luck. I can only imagine how hard it must be to make the mental leap from being infertile to being pregnant, but hopefully you can do it sooner rather than later and start enjoying things.

    ReplyDelete
  12. We're stuck in that same place right now, where nothing seems to be going our way. Hopefully Fate gives you guys a break in the baby department!

    ReplyDelete
  13. sometimes I wish I wouldn't have tried so hard to NOT get pregnant our first year of marriage - I could have pulled a George.
    Best of luck thinking of you.

    stillnotpregnant.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete