Saturday, June 22, 2013

The latest

Today I am 21 weeks.

That seems crazy. The first trimester felt like an eternity with the nausea and constant anxiety. Now time seems to be flying by.

I'm feeling pretty good these days, much to my surprise. I'm still tired, but not falling asleep the minute I get home from work. Though, I'm still not sleeping very well. Most mornings I am awake before my alarm (sometimes as early as 5. ugh) I guess that's something I should get used to, but I thought I had a few months of sleep left. I am getting a lot of nosebleeds and they are getting worse. I sort of feel like my body just insists on bleeding and if I am not having a period it will find another orifice to bleed out of. Sometimes, it will start bleeding while I am in the shower and suddenly I feel like I am in the shower scene from Psycho. That's a fun way to start the morning.  I have round ligament pain off and on. Some days it's just a constant, dull ache that makes it hard to even lift my leg to get dressed. A new thing I just noticed when I got home from work last night is swollen ankles. They are better this morning, thankfully. Isn't it a little early for swollen ankles???

Last week I met my new (temporary) doctor here in Michigan. Did I mention I found him because he is the cousin of my OB back in LA? Pretty convenient. He seems nice. He's also very laid back about all the pregnancy restrictions. I told him I wake up a lot during the night and I'm always on my back despite going to sleep on my side. I keep reading dire warnings about never laying on your back, so of course this worries me. He said not to worry about it. It's really only an issue if there are complications or problems with blood flow.  He said if I am craving deli meat, I should have some. I can't say I ever crave deli meat, so I think I'll just continue to avoid it. I am a little worried I won't get as many ultrasounds with him. I was getting one at every appointment back in LA. This office only does them on Tuesdays and Thursdays and you have to be specifically scheduled for one. So, I won't be getting any at routine appointments anymore.

I did have my anatomy scan last week so I got to have a good long look at the babies. On my way to the appointment, out of nowhere, I suddenly realized I was going to vomit. Thankfully, I had a plastic bag in the car and was able to pull into the parking lot of some random office building. I had barely pulled into the driveway when I was puking up my bagel. I didn't feel at all sick before or after. I'm not sure where that came from. Enough of the grossness. The scan was good. The babies have all their parts and they are functioning properly. They are also both still girls. My only concern was the ultrasound tech. She seemed a little scattered. I am half convinced she measured the same baby twice.  At one point she even said she had been measuring "Twin 1" and had labeled her "Twin 2". Who knows how many times she did that. I'll just have to have faith that she knows what she is doing.  Normally, they always seem to be dancing around during an ultrasound, but this time they decided to nap. I had to get up and walk around a couple times to try and get them to move into a better position. I'm really just relieved that they are both healthy and growing.

That's about all that's going on with me. I work 10 or 11 hour days all week so I have just been relaxing on the weekends. Work has been pretty peaceful so far, but the craziness officially starts Monday. The cast and crew is here now and we start shooting in Detroit.  SH will be here on Thursday next week. I am so excited!!!! It's been almost a month since I have seen him. Once he gets here we will start exploring the Detroit area. So for now I'll take it easy while I still can.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Another year older

Yesterday I turned 39.


I certainly don't feel like I am now less than a year away from 40.  How is that even possible?

This birthday was very uneventful. Normally, my birthday is the one day a year I want attention. Despite getting older (and despite the loudly ticking clock the last few years) I have always liked my birthday. This year, I just didn't care. Mostly it's because I am away from home and SH isn't here yet.  My co-workers are nice but we aren't exactly hang out outside of work type friends. And they are the only people I know here in Michigan. Any other year this would really bother me, but this year...meh. It didn't really "feel" like my birthday so I am ok spending my weekend relaxing. 

I think I am also just so grateful for how different this year is from last year. I feel like asking for anything beyond what I have right now is just being greedy. Last year I started stims for my first IVF on my birthday. I thought it was a good omen and was pretty confident it was going to work. I hadn't yet discovered this blogging community and the one couple I knew who had done IVF were successful on their first try with mediocre embryos and none to freeze. So, as far as I was concerned IVF would just work. Little did I know the roller coaster I had just strapped myself into. When that IVF was such a miserable failure, I started to think I would never get pregnant. To be here, just one year later, is more than I ever expected.

I know there are risks associated with being of "advanced maternal age", the media doesn't let us forget it, so I thought I would find the good things about being an older mother:

- The children of older mothers may have improved health and development in the early years.
- Older mothers have taller, thinner kids (perhaps I have a couple of olympic volleyball players? Or supermodels?)

Ok, so it was hard to find places that discussed good things about being an older parent without also being a little judge-y about waiting so long. Really, age is just a number and doesn't determine whether someone will be a good parent or not. So, I will just enjoy this time being pregnant and having my babies and not worry about the big 4-0 breathing down my neck.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Epic Fail

I have had the same health insurance for about the last 12 years. My plan gives me the choice of a PPO, HMO or Kaiser. I have always had the PPO so I wasn't limited by only going to network providers and I have been happy with it for the most part.When I  first made that choice it didn't seem like there were many differences between the PPO and HMO and I never looked at them again. When open enrollment comes around every year I just stay with what I have.

Turns out this was a terrible mistake. I should have been looking in more detail at what is covered by each. I just found out a few days ago that the HMO covers infertility. I am completely shocked by this. Every doctor I have been to says my insurance doesn't cover it so I assumed that meant the umbrella plan I have, no matter which specific option I chose, just doesn't offer it. Plus, who would have thought an HMO had more coverage? Granted, I don't know exactly what it covers. It may not have helped me with IVF. But even if the testing and drugs were partially covered it would have been a huge help.

I am so mad at myself for not researching and talking to my insurance plan myself. I researched the hell out of everything else during this process. Why did I drop the ball on this part? Why did I just believe the doctor's office? I am trying not to beat myself up over it. What's done is done and can't be changed. Stressing about it isn't going to fix it.

Anyway. Lesson learned. I'm not sure why I always have to learn these things the hard way.

Sunday, June 9, 2013


I do not have big boobs. They are a B cup (although when I found out that 34B and 32C were the same size, I of course bought the 32C for vanity reasons) Generally, I am OK with this. They fit my frame. I can create a little cleavage when I want it. Also, everyone I know who has really big boobs hates them. So, I have never really worried all that much about their size.

That being said, I was really looking forward to big pregnancy boobs. I thought it would be a really fun perk. They got fuller right away, but not really bigger. I hoped I was just a late bloomer and not one of the few who really doesn't actually big boobs during pregnancy. SH insisted they were significantly bigger, but I didn't agree. They looked the same to me. Maybe my belly is just overshadowing them. But, I still don't think they are much bigger. At least not as big as I was expecting.  I mean, every picture I see of a baby breastfeeding, that boob is like twice the size of the baby's head. I am nowhere near that.  Unless my babies have super tiny heads. I guess even when showing breastfeeding in an effort to convince the squeamish that there is nothing sexual about seeing boobs in that context, they still only show women with porn star sized boobs. Sigh.

Well, over the last couple weeks even I had to admit that my bras were barely covering anymore and it was time to buy a couple new ones. I was not convinced of their growth but still hopeful I would need a bigger size. I finally went to Victoria's Secret yesterday. I was browsing styles when someone with a measuring tape asked me if I needed help and I told her I needed to be measured since I wasn't sure what size I need right now. So, she starts measuring me right there on the sales floor. (Awkward, right?) First she asked me what size bra I had on and I told her 32C. She finally finishes and tell me she measured me at 34C. Here's my reaction:

I told her that the band size is fine. I haven't outgrown that part (shocking considering I think I have gained about 20 pounds already). The problem is the cups are not covering my boobs. She says the measurements aren't very accurate so I should try a bigger size if I think that's needed. Um, then what was the point of you measuring me in front of the entire store then? I could have just grabbed some random sizes off the shelf without your help. So, I grab a few sizes and head to the dressing room.

In the end, I needed a 34D! My new reaction:

It's still just one measly cup size. At this point I'll take what I can get.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Greetings from suburbia!

I made it to Michigan and my temporary new home. Troy, to be exact.  I am living in suburbia, people! Don't get me wrong, it's very green and seems like a very nice, family community. But, I am a city girl. I like having places to walk and there is really nowhere for me to walk here. I could live with that if I had my own car, but I am sharing a car with two co-workers so it's going to take planning to get groceries or do anything. No just jumping in my car when I want something. No deciding at the last minute to see a movie or get a pedicure. Oh well. I did manage to get use of a car for most of the day yesterday. I was able to get some groceries and things to get myself settled in my place.

I also made it to my first prenatal yoga class. It was, strangely,  both the easiest and hardest yoga class I have ever done. Aside from walking my dog, that was the first exercise I had done in 4 months. The studio (or maybe just the teacher) is a little more new-agey than I like my yoga. (It was also more expensive than any yoga studio I have been to in LA. I thought things were supposed to be cheaper in the midwestern suburbs!) She had us all introduce ourselves and say how far along we are and how we are feeling. Then the last half hour was a guided meditation. I am not a fan of this and am pretty sure I fell asleep for part of it. I only hope I didn't start snoring! It was an hour and a half class and if there is only going to be exercise for the first hour than I would prefer to just be there for an hour. I will try the class again and see if it was something she does every once in awhile or if it's a weekly thing. I may just have to get a dvd. I did, however, have a moment while I was waiting for the class to start and I was looking around at the other very pregnant women and it felt so weird to be there and belong there and not have someone out me as an imposter. I admit, I started to tear up a little.

As for the baby update - I just hit 18 weeks (!) and am finally feeling better. The nausea is 95% gone. I still have my moments, but it's usually when I am really tired or haven't eaten. I can eat pretty much everything now even though nothing really sounds good. If you put food in front of me, I can eat it, just don't ask me what I want to eat. I did manage grocery shopping and fixing meals for my self this week. That's a huge step forward for me. I actually had a craving for an egg salad sandwich so decided to make that this weekend. I haven't eaten that in years so it was completely random. Can't deny myself in the rare times I actually want some sort of food these days. I also think I have a little more energy these days. Not a ton, but getting through the workday is getting easier.

The belly continues to grow and strangers now ask me when I'm due. Well, mostly people I don't know at work. So far actual strangers in public haven't really approached me. Not yet anyway. It always surprises me just a little. I mean, I look in the mirror and there is no denying this belly, but somehow I feel like no one else can see it. It's completely irrational.

Oh! I almost forgot the best part....I am starting to feel movement. It's still really light, kind of like bubbles are popping, but it's definitely baby moment. I feel it more some days than others but I am excited (and a little freaked out, to be honest) to feel more and stronger movements.

I think that covers it for the most part. My life gets pretty boring when I am working so I haven't really had much to update. I need to find some fun tourist-y things to do while I'm in the Detroit area. I have a friend who is a huuuuuuge Madonna fan (complete with tattoo of her on his back) and he really wants me to find her childhood home and take a picture for him. Other than that I really don't know what to do. I'm sure I'll figure out some way to fill my weekends. Anyone have any suggestions?