Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Some perspective

Yesterday I threw myself a little pity party because some things in my life haven't exactly gone as planned. I've been feeling sorry for myself because of the challenges I've had to deal with. I was pissed at the world for being so unfair.

This morning I got the news on FB that a former co-worker unexpectedly passed away yesterday.  She was only 42 years old. In reality, I guess it wasn't completely unexpected - she was a diabetic since childhood and had been dealing with congestive heart failure for the last few years. Despite these medical issues,  her passing still caught everyone by surprise. She seemed to be doing fine. I worked with her on a movie about 8 years ago. I have kept in touch with her only through FB. We would chat online occasionally, but we didn't hang out socially. I actually just saw her for the first time in 8 years a few months ago when I brought her in to interview for a job on the current movie I'm working on. She was one of those people that puts everything on FB. It was like a running tally of her thoughts and daily activities. She posted so many times a day I considered blocking her at one point. Then I realized how positive her posts always were so I decided to keep them. She did not have an easy life with her health problems, especially since she didn't have health insurance. She was always broke because she hadn't found her success in the movie industry yet. But, she was always so positive and giving. She was so optimistic about the future. She was always so thankful for her friends and the people in her life. She even recently started a group on FB dedicated to posting only good news. She was so tired of politics and bad news, she just wanted to make a happy space for people. She was always letting people know if they felt alone or needed to talk that she was there for them. I admired her positive take on life. I envied it.

Despite really only knowing her through her FB posts, I cried when I read the news. Reading all the things her friends and family are posting on her wall really puts things into perspective. She seemed to have such a positive influence on people's lives - even people she only knew online and never met in person. She didn't sit around and feel sorry for herself. She just lived her life the way she wanted to.

I've been in a little bit of shock all day. She was my age. Just shows how life can change in an instant. It's terrifying. It seems silly to keep dwelling on the past and the things I can't change. I know I can't magically change the way my mind works because I really am a natural born pessimist, but it makes me want to try harder to really appreciate the things I do have and stop worrying about the things I don't.

Monday, December 15, 2014

It still stings

I never thought that having a baby and making it to the other side of infertility would magically wipe away all the years of pain, frustration and disappointment. I did think that pregnancy announcements would stop being painful and that they might even become a source of happiness like they are for most people. Well, that hasn't really been the case. Pregnancy announcements still have a little sting. Granted, it's not as bad as it used to be, but it's still there. Some don't bother me and others are harder to take. SH and I will often make snarky comments when we are alone about how nice it must be for said couple to be having a free baby. Us, bitter? No way.

When our neighbors told us they were having a baby, I have to admit that happiness for them was not the first thing I felt.  It took me longer than it should have to squeak out a congratulations. I'm not proud. Then she told me she was only 7 weeks and that was like a punch to the gut. We are friendly with them and occasionally hang out socially, but we are not close enough to warrant getting a 7 week pregnancy announcement (they were not telling everyone at that point). I think it bothered me because of the naive confidence they have as fertiles. I envied that blissful ignorance. It also stung a little more because I actually expected she might have trouble getting pregnant. She is 35 and I know sometime in the last couple years she had surgery to look for endometriosis, so obviously she was having some problems. I also think, based on casual things she has said over the last few years, that she wasn't on birth control. She wasn't trying to get pregnant, but she also wasn't preventing it. The fact that she didn't have an accidental pregnancy just led me to think there was a slight possibility she would have problems. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want her to have any problems, but I felt strangely comforted to know I might know someone else with infertility and not feel so alone. I think that's why her pregnancy announcement only a couple months after her wedding hit me so hard.

Cut to Saturday afternoon. We are now about a week away from her due date and we run into them as we are leaving. She said she started having contractions that morning so it could be in the next day or two. As of Sunday afternoon, she was still having contractions but hadn't gone to the hospital yet. When I looked outside, I could see her walking slowly up and down the block with her sister. She was clearly in labor. That hit me even harder than the initial announcement. I have realized over the last year that there is a new layer to my infertility induced jealousy. It's the jealousy of women who get to their due dates and go into labor. Jealousy of getting to hold and bond with your baby in your hospital room. Even jealousy of going through labor. It's so weird to me that I have two kids and I have no idea what labor feels like. It still makes me so sad when I think about my birth story. And every time I hear a birth announcement it just reminds me of what we went through and the experience we didn't have. The most important thing is that I have two healthy, happy beautiful babies, but I can't seem to get past how they got here.

Our neighbors are a very nice couple and I wish them nothing but the best, but SH and I are having such a hard time being giving. We've offered our help and now we are leaving it up to them to ask for it when they need it. But, I know from experience how hard it is to ask for help when you are in the middle of newborn sleep deprivation. We should be better than that. We should do for them what we wished others had done for us.  They are having a girl so I have been giving them our old clothes, but I can't bring myself to give them anything else. It's almost like we don't want to help them because they had it to easy.  I actually can't believe I'm admitting that. It's horrible. Thank god this blog is anonymous.

I hate that I feel this way. I feel ungrateful. And guilty. I won, right? I kicked infertility's ass. So why am I still struggling with it?  Why can't I move on?

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Two degrees of separation

This morning a friend (friend seems generous. former co-worker is more accurate) messaged me to tell me that a few weeks ago she met a woman at some sort of running festival/event and became FB friends with her. She has since discovered that this woman is the first IVF baby born in the US (or test tube baby as I remember the news calling it back then).  She was the 15th IVF baby in the world. Of course, she thought to tell me since I am probably the only person she knows who has gone through IVF. It is a little weird that, after having two IVF babies, the first IVF baby is now the friend of a friend. My friend says this woman, who is now 32,  is very open about the whole thing and attends various IVF "events" to support IVF and try to take away any negative stigma attached to it. I love that.

That's my little fun and random fact for today.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Almost Wordless Wednesday

I blinked and my babies aren't babies anymore. How did that happen?


These are the droids we are looking for

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I should just buy a cow

At their one year checkup, the pediatrician told us we could start giving Riley and Paige whole milk instead of formula. She gave us 2 options: switch cold turkey and replace all formula with milk right away or switch gradually, mixing milk with the formula and gradually increase the milk while decreasing the formula. We went with option 2 for several reasons. First, and most important, I had JUST ordered a new case of formula (we get a multiples discount by buying it directly from the company. The only drawback was the discount only applied to cases. Considering the amount of formula we went through, this was never a problem. I think a case lasted us a little over 2 weeks. Crazy, right?) and I wasn't going to let it go to waste. Plus, the girls didn't really take to the straight milk immediately. Right now they still get about 6 ounces of formula a day. Our ped's recommendation was to replace the 24 ounces of formula with 24 ounces of milk. Seems like a lot, but we'll do what she says. Now we are going through at least 2 gallons of milk a week and we aren't even on full milk yet! It's cheaper than formula, but it seems like we are always running to the store for milk. We don't even run out of diapers as often as we run out of milk.

Sometimes, I think adopting a cow would make things so much easier.

I'm sure my landlord won't mind

Sunday, September 28, 2014

The Birthday Party

This will be a post in pictures. If I wait until I have time to write about the whole party, then it probably won't happen anytime soon. Plus, I'm not sure a detailed account of the party would be all that interesting anyway. I'm actually really happy with how it turned out, despite being really worried about us going overboard. Considering how hard we worked to get to a 1st birthday celebration, I think we deserve to go a little over the top.

Party dresses! Labeled P and R for easy identification. They are also wearing shoes for the first time.

Party venue! Historic carousel.

Banner of monthly pictures. Idea found online, but actually made it ourselves (except the horses which were bought on etsy)

Centerpieces! These are completely the work of SH. Who knew he was so crafty? We sent those lollipops home with a few kids - those parents probably hate us.

All set up and ready for guests to arrive.

Birthday name banner. Overcast day.


Carousel of old-timey candy! This was SH's idea that my SIL and niece were able to put together at the last minute.

Smash cakes!

Paige and Riley had very different approaches to eating cake.  

Well, that's pretty much it for pictures that don't have a bunch of other people in them. Seeing as how I don't even put pictures of myself on this blog, I probably shouldn't post pictures of other people. 

Wednesday, September 17, 2014


Happy 1st birthday to my beautiful girls. 

In some ways, I can't believe it's been a year already. In others, it feels like a lifetime ago that I was heading into my 3rd IVF and getting that first ever positive pregnancy test. Pregnancy is a weird, vague memory that almost doesn't feel real. It's hard to believe that a year ago today I was having an emergency c-section thanks to pre-eclampsia. You wouldn't know by looking at these perfectly healthy, happy babies that for the first 10 days of their life they were hooked up to all sorts of tubes and machines and that we had to leave the hospital without them. It's been a roller coaster, that's for sure. The first few months are a blur and taking care of two infants has been incredibly hard, so hard, but also so amazing. I love watching them discover the world around them. I love watching them figure out how their bodies work. Their faces light up when I go into their room in the morning to get them up or when I get home from work and it makes my (cold, cynical) heart melt. These two tiny humans have changed my life. They have changed me.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

A day in the life

I'm jumping on the bandwagon because I think these posts are fascinating. I decided to do it on a weekend since I'm with the girls all day. This day is not very typical, though. We are getting ready for their 1st birthday and for our family coming into town next week so there is a lot more going on than normal. 

This was yesterday:

6:00 - wake up :(
6:05 - realize i can't fall back asleep and get up. Check FB because I am too tired to function yet.
6:13 - hear Riley babbling and kicking the end of the crib
6:22 - make a pitcher of formula for the day
6:30 - start coffee. SH is up
6:33 - put laundry in dryer that has been sitting in the washer for a day and overnight. Throw blanket from bed in washer because the cat puked on it in the middle of the night
6:38 -all is quiet. Riley must have fallen back asleep
6:45 - coffee!
6:57 - babies are stirring
7:00 - time to get them up. I grab Riley and change her diaper, SH grabs Paige. We give them their bottles. Paige actually drank the whole thing which is unusual.
7:13 - put them in their car seats. We got into the habit of having them sit still and upright after each bottle because of the reflux. They used to go in the swings, but we got rid of those. Give them wubbanub pacifiers to entertain them
7:20 - start working on projects for the bday party
7:30 - babies have had enough of sitting still. Thankyouverymuch. Move them to play area.
7:35 - continue with party projects.
7:45 - smell poop. Change Riley's diaper
7:55 - clean kitty litter, more laundry. SH continues party projects. Girls are playing happily and peacefully.
8:15 - start getting breakfast ready, check for poopy diapers and put girls in high chairs
8:25 - girls are munching on grapes and clementines. Paige is stashing grapes in her cheeks like she is a squirrel. SH takes the dog for a walk.
8:35 - feed girls some oatmeal and Greek yogurt
9:00 - after eating some puffs and then screaming because I had the audacity to clean off their faces, the girls are back in the play area
9:05 - relax on the couch for a few minutes
9:10 - SH washes the breakfast dishes
9:17 - I smell poop again. Change Paige's diaper.
9:25 - more laundry. SH puts girls down for a nap.
9:30 - eat some toast. Actually remember to take vitamins.
9:45 - sounds like girls are asleep. SH heads off to get some party prep items.
9:50 - open a box that my MIL sent with presents for the girls' birthday. She used diapers as padding. Score!
9:55 - start cleaning kitchen
10:50 - kitchen finally clean. Even cleaned the microwave. Why did that take so long? Relax and play some words with friends before the girls wake up.
11:05 - the babies are stirring. Go in get Riley up, change her diaper and put her in some clothes for the day. Try to clear all the snot from her nose but she screams and fights me. She has a whole lot of snot this week from a mild cold.
11:15 - get Paige up, change her diaper and put her in clothes for the day
11:20 - girls quietly playing together In the play area
11:25 - turn on Disney radio on my phone. Girls are fascinated and keep trying to get to my phone.
11:30 - get in the play area with the girls. Am immediately accosted by babies wanting snuggles. 
11:45 - they wander off to play with toys. I take a couple Advil because I suddenly have a wicked headache. Perhaps it's the Disney radio. More laundry.
11:55 - dance around the living room to the delight of Paige and Riley. My dancing is hilarious.
12:00 - "do you want to build a snowman?" No. It's 95 degrees outside. The girls are getting fussy. I start to get lunch ready.
12:10 - diapers checked and everyone in high chairs. Finger food? Turkey meatloaf and peas. Plus, a few purée pouches since a lot of the finger food will end up on the floor
12:15 - the animals have learned the babies drop food and start sniffing around. The cat just scored a piece of turkey meatloaf.
12:30 - they actually ate a lot of turkey meatloaf. These girls are definitely carnivores.
12:40 - lunch is over and I give them sippy cups with water. They still don't quite get the sippy cup and mostly bang it in the high chair tray.
12:50 - more screaming as I clean their faces. I try to explain to them that I wouldn't have to do this if they would stop wiping food all over their face
12:55 - put them down to play. Paige starts crying. I pick her up. Still crying. I pick up a paci, realize it's dirty so put it down. Harder crying. Find a clean paci. No more crying. Now we're hanging out on the couch while Paige looks out the window. Riley is playing on her own.
1:00 - try to put Paige down to play. More crying. We continue to hang out on the couch instead
1:10 - SH is home from his epic run of errands. Everyone is excited.
1:15 - excitement didn't last long. We now have 2 crying and fussing babies.
1:30 -put them down for a nap
1:45 - sleeping babies. I just realized I am still in my pajamas. Change into real clothes.
1:55 - finally eat lunch
2:00 - neighbor is spray painting on his balcony right outside my window. This is not helping my headache.
2:10 - drink a Mexican coke hoping the caffeine will help my headache. Work on party projects.
2:43 - I hear some babbling. Not a very long nap. Maybe they'll go back to sleep.
2:52 - Nope. They are awake. Let them babble while we get bottles ready.
3:05 - we get them up, diapers changed and feed them bottles.
3:25 - back into the car seats for about 10 minutes to let the formula digest
3:35 - Free the girls from their car seat prison. Take out the trash. Walk the dog around the block because it's too hot walk farther. Continue with party projects.
3:50 - Play with babies while we wait for glue to dry. Change Riley's poopy diaper.
4:20 - Still have a headache. The glue is soaking through the ribbon on our party project. Thankfully we tested before doing it on the actual project. Now we are on the hunt for fabric or ribbon glue.
4:30 - Take more Advil and decide to lay down for a little while to get rid of this headache.
5:05 - took a short nap. Still have headache. 
5:20 - Girls have been checked for poopy diapers and are in their high chairs ready for dinner. Tonight's selection of finger foods is cheese, red pepper, and apple. We were going to make them grilled cheese but it's too hot for cooking with fire.
5:29 - Think my headache is finally going away.
5:45 - Throw in more laundry while SH finishes feeding the girls dinner. Headache is still here. Take more Advil.
6:00 - Feed the animals. Babies scream while SH cleans their faces. He tries to explain how much easier and faster it would be if they stopped fighting.
6:05 - Paige goes in the exersaucer and Riley goes in the door bouncer swing.
6:10 -Relax for a few minutes. Check FB. SH is doing dishes. I feel guilty for being on FB so I help dry.
6:20 - Give overdue flea treatment to animals. Babies are still happily bouncing and exersauce-ing.
6:30 - Decide to skip baths tonight because of headache. 
6:35 - Paige is getting fussy so I take her out of the exersaucer. We snuggle for a few minutes before I change her for bed. I realize she has dried food on her forehead and reconsider the bath situation before deciding to just clean her with a diaper wipe.
6:40 - SH gets Riley ready for bed.
6:42 - Start getting bottles ready.
6:45 - Realize I put the bottle in the warmer but forgot to turn it on. For the 2nd time today.
6:50 - Read a couple of books. Try to keep Riley from eating them.
6:57 - Feed them their last bottles.
7:10 - Put them in their sleep sacks, turn on sleep sheep and put them in their cribs.
7:15 - All is quiet in the nursery. I think that might possibly be the fastest they have settled down and gone to sleep. They must be extra tired tonight. 
7:18 - SH is making grilled cheese sandwiches after all. Turns out that's pretty much all we have in the house.
7:20 - Wash last 2 bottles and put them all in the sterilizer.
7:30 - Eat dinner. Realize all the stuff I didn't do today. Totally forgot to order the food for the party. Only got one room clean. Didn't actually finish any party projects, but did make progress.
9:30 - Haven't left the couch since dinner. I am exhausted. Remember that I washed the sheets this morning and need to make the bed.
10:00 - Head to bed to sleep in my nice clean sheets and try not to think about my never ending to-do list

Friday, September 5, 2014

I need a village

To say this first year has been tough would be an understatement. SH and I have done it all on our own. SH's family is mostly in Colorado and mine is mostly scattered around the greater Southern California area. So, even though I was born and raised in Los Angeles, my family still seems to live just far enough from where I live that it's not really practical for them to help in any real way. Friends who have kids are too busy with their own stuff to help us out and friends without kids are terrified of the idea of taking care of twins. I have an aunt who is already talking about having the girls come spend the weekend with her, but not until they are at least 2 or 3.

 For the first 5 months we were both home with the girls and since February SH has been stay-at-home dad extraordinaire. A couple of times when family was visiting, we managed to get out to a movie. We have hired a babysitter twice so we could go out to dinner. We don't do it more often because that adds about $100 to our night out. Not cheap at all. We need to find a nice, responsible teenager to babysit at night when the girls are sleeping because paying "professional" babysitter rates is just too much for someone who is going to sit in our apartment and watch tv. Last weekend our neighbors babysat (for free!) so we could go out for a nice dinner. Basically, I can count on one hand the number of times we have gone out and left the girls in the care of someone else. It's not that we don't trust anyone. We want the help. We just aren't very good at asking for it and apparently, our friends and family aren't very good at offering it.

I have tried to find some new mom friends and I haven't been very successful. Partly because I am pretty terrible at making new friends. I seriously suck at it. I joined an exercise class for moms and babies, but I find that moms of singletons have a hard time getting over the twin factor. There is a constant "I don't know how you do it" that is a part of the conversation and I have a hard time just steering the conversation to general, shared kid stuff. Then when I went back to work I could only go to the class on Saturdays and I was usually the only one at the class. Turns out it's all SAHM who go to the class so they only go during the week. Yet another thing I don't have in common with them. We also joined our local parents of multiples club. We have gone to a few events with members and twins of all ages and early on we went to a few of the play dates for our specific age group. Of course, at that point the kids were too young to play and it was just about the parents talking about their issues. Again, we couldn't relate to any of them. There was all sorts of talk of nannies and night nurses and that just isn't our life. So, we've had a hard time connecting to anybody. Also, our playgroup is not very active at all. I started a Facebook page for us so we could all talk, ask advice, and organize play dates. Again, very little activity. Everyone joined the group, they just aren't using it. I get the impression from talking to parents at the bigger group events that our group's lack of activity is fairly unusual. So, I guess it was just bad luck that we got a dud of a play group. I'm still going to try, though. I think knowing other parents of twins is going to be really important.

The problem with going it alone is that it is exhausting. On Saturdays, I get the feeling all SH wants to do is get away to do something that doesn't involve diapers or bottles for a few hours. He is burnt out. Sometimes he can do that, other times there is too much other crap to do.  I also need time on the weekends to recharge, but I feel guilty that I am again leaving SH to take care of the girls alone.We are both so exhausted it's hard to get the motivation to do anything other than survive. I would love for us to actually spend the weekend together. I would love to start doing more fun stuff with the girls now that they are so much more aware of their surroundings and interacting with everything. So, to solve that problem, the girls are going to start daycare a day or two each week. I'm raising the white flag. We need help! SH gets his time to recharge during the week (and perhaps get some errands run while he is kid-free). I can get a pedicure or get my haircut on the weekend without feeling completely selfish. And the girls can play with some other kids and get more comfortable being around new people.  My cousin (the one relative who lives really close to me) told me she takes her kids to this in-home daycare once a week. It's run by a Russion orthodox Jewish woman who had 8 kids of her own. It's in a pretty small apartment, but she is great with kids. My cousin's toddler apparently loves going over there. She has only two full time kids and then a few part time. When our girls are there, she will have her daughter come over to help or it would be too much for her. She is really cheap and walking distance to our house and she makes kosher lunch for the kids. It's perfect. The atheists are sending their kids to a super religious daycare provider. What could go wrong?

This is just the beginning of my efforts to expand our village. I'm feeling good about it.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Milestones and other stuff

**I just wrote this entire long post and somehow it got deleted. Sigh. Let's try this again. Version 2.0 will be written much quicker so excuse the typos.**

It's interesting watching two tiny humans who share similar genes and a completely identical environment development in such different ways.  Especially when those two tiny humans were preemies and everyone said to expect them to be about two months behind in everything. Personally, I don't think they are particularly delayed in their development. In fact, they seem pretty average to me - not leading the pack, but not really behind either. They even seemed to have hit some milestones earlier than some full term babies we know. Wait, that sounds braggy. I don't mean it that way. I'm just relieved that there don't seem to be any long term issues caused by me not being able to carry them for longer. Because guilt.

Riley has hit all the milestones first, with Paige usually following a few weeks behind. Once Riley rolled over, there was no stopping her. She rolled, wiggled, "swam", and army crawled her way across a room until she could finally do a proper crawl. Then she decided she needed to stand and in no time she was pulling herself up every chance she got. Paige was a little more relaxed. She rolled over and seemed pleased that she did it, but didn't rush to the next thing. She was content to play with whatever toys were within reach. One day she just started to scoot and crawl, but it still took something pretty interesting to get her to move across the room. She was content to stay where she was. She did seem eager to stand and once she did that she couldn't stop. A few weeks ago, they both started letting go of whatever they were holding onto for balance and testing out standing on their own and now they can get up from sitting to standing without using anything for support. They are gradually standing for longer and longer periods. I'm still so amazed by it. This is where the roles have started to reverse. Paige will cruise around the perimeter of their play area, holding onto the bars of the baby gates. Riley continues to crawl to get to the other side. The other day I caught Paige practicing her balancing skills while she thought no on was watching and she actually took a couple of steps. I think my jaw hit the floor. It sort of came out of nowhere. Now she can take a step on her own before falling, but if I hold her hands she will walk towards me. At this rate, she may very well walk into her birthday party next month. Riley, on the other hand, thinks crawling is a perfectly respectable way to get from point A to point B. It's curious. I was joking with SH that they are like the space race in the 1960's. Riley is Russia and keeps getting all the "firsts" and seemed to be winning the race (I know, I know it's not a competition). Paige was just biding her time and, like the US, is going for the moon.

After weeks of trying, this is the best shot I can get of them standing. As soon as I get in front of them to take a picture, the get down and crawl towards me.
Bath time is finally fun. After months and months of screaming bloody murder, they finally love baths. They love to splash the water and try to eat all the bath toys. The problem is, it was easier to bathe them separately even though it took longer. They sit great while on dry land, but the bathtub is just too slippery for them and they kept falling over. I can't keep my hands on both of them while also trying to clean them. Then I discovered this handy trick on the internet. Changed. My. Life. Now I can easily manage both in the bathtub at once. Saves time and water (which is actually a big deal in CA where we are experiencing a severe drought).  Sometimes I really love the internet.

So simple yet so genius.
The girls are doing pretty well with solid food these days. They still get a lot of purees, but finger foods are becoming a bigger part of their meals now. They can finally pick up the food and get it to their mouth. It's still hit or miss whether they swallow or just chew and let it hang out in their mouth, but we're getting there. I would really love to phase out the purees soon and let them feed themselves more. We're trying to give them more and more of the foods we eat and not limit them to stereotypical "kid-friendly" foods. I'm really afraid of picky eaters. So far they haven't been too bad. They don't like everything, but we can usually get them to try it. The one thing they have really hated is hummus. Riley actually stuck her hand in her mouth to get it out and throw it on the floor. Usually, they just shut their mouths and turn their heads if they don't like something. Or sometimes Paige very dramatically gags. We still give them 3 bottles of formula a day and I will be pretty happy when we can phase bottles out, as well. Between bottles and meals, it feels like we are feeding them as often as when they were newborns.

"gimme that burger"
The pets. We still have all the pets despite my last post about how much I wanted a pet-free house. I think I was just really overwhelmed at the time I wrote that. There was just so much chaos in my small living space. Adding two babies to the already difficult to manage pet situation was just too much. Something had to give. Thankfully, when I got the job on the movie in Pittsburgh, my mom very generously offered to house/pet sit. So, we had two months of much needed pet-free living. We needed that. It gave us some perspective and now it doesn't seem quite so bad. Don't get me wrong, the problems are all still here, we just are dealing with it better. I also still believe that Pepper and Lucy shouldn't live together but there isn't much we can do about it right now. We put our cat, Pepper, on prozac since she seemed the most stressed out. She has been consistently losing weight since we got the dog and is so, so skinny. For some reason, the vet doesn't seem all that concerned. We haven't had anything peed on in awhile so the prozac seems to be helping with that, but she is still losing weight and now has stopped grooming. But according to all her blood and urine testing, she is perfectly healthy. Lucy, our dog, has realized that babies drop a lot of food on the floor when they eat so I think she is starting to like them better. Poor Lucy still doesn't get as much attention and exercise as she needs, but we're doing the best we can for right now. Our other cat, Jasmine, seems to be doing the best of all of them. She wants nothing more than to sit in a lap and be pet. She has taken to plopping herself down next to the girls' play area where they will "pet" her. And by pet, I mean grab a fist full of fur and skin and pull. Jasmine only seems to be bothered if they pull her tail, but the rest doesn't bother her. She is kind of an attention whore and will apparently take it however she can get it.

Good kitty!
I love how much Paige and Riley interact with each other now. They totally "talk" and make each other laugh. Especially when they are in their cribs. I love listening to them on the monitors in the morning before we go in to get them up. They are also playing together. Riley will steal whatever toy Paige is playing with and Paige will bite Riley in retaliation. That's playing, right? So, they haven't figured out sharing or taking turns yet. They are actually starting to fight over toys these days. We just take that toy away, usually, and the problem is solved. They find something else to play with and move on. They are also climbing on each other and tumbling around. It's really so fun to watch them. They are really great at entertaining themselves or each other for pretty long periods of time. Of course, they love it when we hang out with them in the play area, but they don't need us in there. The only time they absolutely need our undivided attention is the hour or so before bedtime. Then they just want to be held or near us.  I read them some books every night before their last bottle. Paige loves story time - especially "peekaboo" books. Riley not so much. She will squirm and wiggle off my lap and usually ends up standing next to me looking over the back of the couch and out the window while I read to Paige. I can get Riley to sit still if I let her eat the board books, but I worry about all the paper she will end up ingesting if I always let her do that. Hopefully, she will start to enjoy story time again soon.

looks like Paige wins this round
Everyone pile on mommy
That's the latest and greatest in a nutshell. They will be a year old in 3 weeks(!) so we are busy planning their birthday party. I fear we are going overboard. We are going to be "those" people. More on that later.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

480 months

Last weekend I turned 40 and a few days later Paige and Riley turned 9 months. So, one day while I was at work, SH made me a sticker so I could be in the girls' monthly photo. Who knew he was so crafty?

Life has been crazy the last couple months and I totally keep meaning to post and just haven't been able to. I have managed to mostly keep up with blog reading, but never have a chance to get my blog posts out of my head and into the computer.  

The short story is the whole family came on location to Pittsburgh for a movie I am working on. SH is continuing to play Mr. Mom while I work. Moving 2 babies cross country is no easy feat (though it is admittedly made easier when someone else is footing the bill for shipping and relocating). They have adapted amazingly well, though. Unfortunately, I just found out my movie is shutting down so now we have to pack everything up again and head back to LA. We were supposed to be here until Thanksgiving and now we may be home by 4th of July. Sigh. As nice as it will be to be home, being on location (and earning the extra money that goes with it) was going to ensure that we paid off all our IVF bills by the end of the year. Now? Who knows.

In more fun news, the girls are crawling and sitting and standing. Riley seems to hit all the milestones a few weeks before Paige, but they both seem pretty on target with them. Looks like I didn't need to worry about them being delayed because they were preemie.  I get so excited and proud when they do something new. I don't get as sad and nostalgic as I used to about them growing up.  I figure I can get my newborn fix from friends having babies. They are so much fun right now, too.  They just start smiling and laughing and get so, so excited when I come home from work. That's the best part of my day and cheers me up no matter how bad work gets. They are becoming real people and getting personalities and it's so fun to hang out with them. It's also exhausting and terrifying now that they are moving around. 

Ok. That's the cliff notes version of the current state of my life. Maybe I'll be able to write more soon since I'm about to be unemployed again.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Scary days

On Thursday, Paige fell off the changing table and hit her head pretty hard on the hardwood floor. That's about a 4 foot drop and we haven't gotten around to getting a rug for the nursery. I wasn't there when it happened. SH called me in a panic and wanted me to look up symptoms of concussions. I told him he needed to call the doctor. He had his hands full trying to feed them so I had to call the doctor's office and, of course, they said to bring her in right away. She got an X-ray (which was clear) and was responsive and alert. We were told to keep an eye on her and wake her every couple of hours during the night just to make sure she can wake up and that she moves all her limbs. We were told to call if she seemed extra tired, was vomiting, or wasn't interested in her toys among other things. She made it through Thursday night just fine and, aside from a big bump on her head, seemed fine on Friday, as well. She went in for a follow up doctor's visit on Friday and was given a clean bill of health. 

Then while I was feeding her on Friday night she threw up huge. I was covered. She was covered. The couch was covered. I was concerned, but it isn't totally out of the ordinary for her to throw up so we took note of it and carried on. Saturday morning the sme thing happened with her first bottle. Puke everywhere. Then she took 3 2-hour naps and was really tired between naps - rubbing her eyes, laying her head down and just generally being lethargic. We called the doctor who said we may need to take her to the ER but to keep her posted over the next couple hours. That evening she threw up yet again so I called to tell the doctor. By the time she called me back, Paige had thrown up for the 4th time in 24 hours so I started getting us all ready to go to the ER. Our doctor pointed out that we shouldn't expose Riley to the ER if we didn't have to so I ended up staying home with Riley while SH took our baby to the ER at 8:00 on a Saturday night. As much as I wanted to be there with her, it made more sense for SH to go since he had been with her when it happened and for the initial doctor's visits. She finally got a CAT scan after waiting for several hours. I imagined all of the worst case scenarios waiting for SH to call me with some news. Thankfully, there was no bleeding but she did have a skull fracture. SH had to wait for all sorts of consults (including neurosurgery)before finallly being told it was a fracture that would heal on its own. She was also severely dehydrated from all the throwing up (apparently, a sign of dehydration is the soft spot on a baby's head becomes really pronounced. Both SH and I noticed this on Paige and had no idea it meant anything. We thought maybe it was just the lighting). She was admitted so they could run a line and get her hydrated and just monitor her. She was so dehydrated, they had a hard time finding a vein they could use. They poked her hands and feet several times before finally calling in a NICU nurse to do it. She was finally admitted and settled by about 3am. The poor thing did not get very much sleep. SH stayed with her all night and I got there first thing on Sunday morning when she was finally getting some sleep.

Our pediatrician came to the hospital to check on her and told us she was so worried she hadn't slept all night. She demanded to talk to the head of pediatric neurosurgery even though he wasn't on call so she could be sure Paige was ok. Apparently, the fact that her concussion symptoms showed up two days after the fall had all the medical professionals baffled. Then we were told she needed a full body X-ray and needed her eyes checked by an opthamogist as part of hospital protocol to make sure there were no other injuries. So, if anyone is keeping score that is a head X-ray, a cat scan and a full body X-Ray on a 6 month old all within a couple of days. She may just grow up to be the hulk. Paige smash!

As anticipated, we also had to talk to a social worker so they could be sure we weren't abusing our baby. During that conversation, the social worker asked if she had fallen before because they thought they saw an old injury on the cat scan. WTF?!? Turns out it was nothing. Just how her head is, I guess. 

After that, Paige was given the all clear to go home. SH waited around for hours for her to be discharged while I took Riley back home for a nap. Riley refused to sleep at the hospital. There was just too much going on. So she missed 2 of her 3 naps that day. Needless to say, both girls went to bed early that night. Paige has been doing great since she's been home and is pretty much back to her normal self again. I am so relieved every time I hear her laugh.

The weird thing about this whole experience is how SH and I seemed to change places. He was panicked and I was calm. Normally he is the one you want around in an emergency. Always calm and can get things done. He says that apparently doesn't apply when the emergency involves his kids. I was strangely calm. Maybe because I wasn't there. I don't know. He is beating himself up and keeps imaging all the things that could have happened. I keep telling him it was an accident. He needs to stop blaming himself. How many times have I taken my hand off of them when they are on the changing table? Just for a second to open a new pack of wipes or to grab a onesie? It could have just as easily happened on my watch. He told me he will never forget the sound of her head hitting the floor. I will never forget the panic I heard in his voice when he first called. That is a sound I never want to hear again.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014


I have a dog (Lucy)

And 2 cats (Jasmine and Pepper)

They are, let's say...challenging.

The cats are 12 years old and I got them when they were tiny kittens. I adopted them together but they are from different litters. They get along for the most part, but like all sisters, they sometimes fight. Jasmine is definitely the bully and weighs nearly twice as much as Pepper. Over the years they have become more and more stressed. It's mostly because we leave town so much. Most of the time only one of us is gone, but sometimes we're both gone and we have friends and pet sitters check in on them everyday. The cats don't like this and show their displeasure by pooping everywhere. They do not like these disruptions to their lives. When we got the dog a few years ago they started peeing on things. We thought they would eventually adjust, but they haven't. Pepper growls and hisses at Lucy anytime she gets too close. So, we are constantly playing referee to keep all the animals away from each other and making sure stuff is put away so it doesn't get peed on. Now they are peeing on baby stuff. Any of you who have cats know that you cannot get rid of cat pee smell. So, we have had to throw out some things and having twins is expensive enough without having to replace stuff that the cats pee on. Now we have to keep the swings and car seats in the nursery with the door closed anytime we aren't home to supervise. It adds an extra layer of work to an already chaotic time with twins. It doesn't help that we don't know which cat is doing it or if it's both. I take responsibility for the cats being unhappy. They didn't used to be like this. We haven't been paying as much attention to them as we should and I don't see how that is going to change anytime soon. 

Lucy is a rescue. We got her a few years ago when she was 7 months old. She has been difficult, to say the least. She had massive separation anxiety when we first got her. She barked and whined loudly and incessantly the entire time we were out of the house. We seriously felt trapped in the house by our dog. We live in an apartment so we couldn't just leave her to bark. We either had to take her to doggy day care or go places that we could take her with us. It took a long time, but finally with some Prozac and tedious training ( leaving the house for 1 minute, then 5, then 10, gradually increasing until she didnt bark anymore) we are able to leave her at home alone. She still is anxious about us leaving, but she doesn't bark anymore. She has a ton of other anxieties, as well. The biggest problem we now have is that she is terrified of kids. She barks and puts her tail between her legs if she sees a kid down the block when we are walking her. She hasn't been aggressive, she generally wants to get far away from the kids, but she has a scary bark and it can be scary for kids. We didn't know this when we got her. We actually went up to families at the dog adoption to see how she was around kids. She was shy, but seemed fine. We now know she was too scared to even bark at that adoption. Our hope is that she will be fine with our kids because she will be living with them and be used to them, but I feel like that is naive. I'm not sure I could ever really trust her with them. And what happens when they want to have friends over? 

So now we are debating whether we should find new homes for the cats, the dog, or all of them. I feel like an asshole for even thinking of this. I would love for Paige and Riley to grow up with pets and if I get rid of these pets I feel like I am disqualified from getting other pets later on. The fact is, the cats are unhappy and would probably thrive in a different environment. Lucy isn't the right dog for our family no matter how much I want her to be. We have come a long way with helping Lucy and I'm not sure what else we can do. I can't get her past her fear of kids or her distrust of strangers. It breaks my heart to give them up, but the more I think about it, the more it seems like the best solution for everyone. I want the animals to be happy and we can't give them what they need. We aren't the right home for them anymore.

Anyone have any advice? I'm not sure what else to do. 

Monday, March 24, 2014

6 months

I'd like to clarify something from my last post. I don't want to look like Angelina Jolie. It's not realistic. I don't have an army of assistants and nannies to give me the time, nor do I have the proper DNA. Plus, to be honest, I think she is too skinny. I sort of want to feed her a sandwich. I guess my point was that she reminded me that you can physically get to your pre-twin body again - whatever that may be. I needed to be reminded of that.  So, I have the motivation, now I just need to find the time. I already get up at 5:30am to pump, shower and dress before we get the babies up. I'm not sure how much earlier I can drag myself out of bed.


Paige and Riley are 6 months old! Holy crap! How are we half way through the first year already?

The dresses were a very thoughtful gift from a fellow blogger. Adorable, no?

I don't know where to start and I have tried to write this post so many times, that I think I am going to resort to bullet points just to get it all out.

  • They are sleeping in their cribs in their room. It is glorious. It was a surprisingly smooth transition, too.  We even stopped swaddling them with no fuss. Getting them to stop using their pacifiers to get to sleep was a much harder process, but I think we may have actually gotten through it. They still get their pacifiers during the day if they are cranky, but not in the crib anymore. It's a no paci zone.
  • They are sleeping through the night. Well, mostly. They sleep from about 8:30/9 until 7:30. Sometimes they wake up during the night and other nights we don't hear a peep from them. Even when they do wake up they are getting better at self soothing so we don't usually have to get up. We did have some rough nights when they started rolling over. Apparently, it's normal to have sleep regressions for a couple weeks whenever they hit new milestones.
  • Speaking of milestones, they are rolling all over the place. They have decided they prefer to sleep on their tummies so that's how they sleep now. Complete with butt up in the air. It's super adorable. It made me nervous at first, but I'm over it. They are fine and we have the Angel Care monitors with movement sensors which help me sleep.
  • Riley is up on her hands and knees and rocking back and forth. She is so close to crawling and I am not ready! I was prepared for all of their milestones to be late. We were told by all doctors and the internet to expect them to hit milestones based on their due date, not their birthdate. But this seems really early for Riley to be so close to crawling. She manages to scoot herself backwards but hasn't figured out the forward movement yet. 
Seriously. I am not ready and the house is not baby proofed.

  • They laugh all the time and it's the greatest sound in the world. It makes all the hard parts worth it. Paige loves to get her clothes changed and laughs as soon as I put her on the changing table. Last night they were laying on their tummies facing each other and just making each other laugh. We weren't doing anything. Again, super adorable. I love that they are so aware of each other now and interact and just get huge grins when they see each other.
  • They are finally playing with toys. They reach for them and grab them and shake them and stick them in their mouth. Seriously, it is so great that they are interacting with us and everything around them now. I think that's one of the hardest parts about those first few months - the lack of interaction. Then they just sort of become these tiny little people and not blobs that only eat, sleep and poop. It's so fun to watch them change everyday.
  • Food! We started giving them food a few days ago. I was all gung ho to do baby led weaning for awhile but that's not going to happen. The pediatrician doesn't want them to have actual solid food until at least 7 or 8 months because of them being preemie but did want us to start them off with some purees to see how they do. So far they have had oatmeal and peas. Paige is actually swallowing most of what I put in her mouth while Riley usually spits most of it out. She hasn't quite gotten it yet. It's only been a few days so I'm not too worried. I am sort of obsessed with not having picky eaters. For some reason, that has become a huge fear. I don't want the kid who will only eat mac n' cheese and chicken nuggets. I am not going to be a short order cook. They have to eat what we eat. I'm reading "French Kids Eat Everything" since apparently, as the title says, french kids will eat anything and it's because their parents teach them that. They have four course meals in their state run daycares that sound better than anything I have eaten for lunch recently. So, yeah. I am now obsessed with having my kids eat like the french. haha.
  • I'm still pumping. Mostly because I haven't had any time to research the best way to stop to avoid getting more clogged ducts. Plus, the little I did manage to read said that I could get really emotional because of the hormone fluctuations as the milk supply dries up. Now I am thinking I should wait until the end of April when I am done working on my current project so I am not an emotional mess at work. The upside is I get to catch up on my blog reading while I am pumping at work.
  • We still can't go anywhere without people stopping to ask us about twins. I'm getting used to it and, generally, it doesn't bother me anymore. I have found that if they are wearing anything other than pink, it's assumed they are boys. I guess there is no gender neutral. When I tell strangers their names, they assume Riley is a boy. People just really, really, really want twins to be boy/girl. One of the first questions people ask is "Is it a boy and a girl?"The other day a woman was looking at them (more like creepily studying them, actually) and since Paige had pink socks on said "Oh, is that the girl?" Um, actually they are both the girls. They also want to know who was born first. I'm not sure why that matters. I've never once wondered which one of my twin friends was born first. I think I was with SH for many years before I ever knew whether he was Twin A or Twin B. It's just interesting the things people ask and how many people ask the same questions. I'm sure one of these days I'll write a whole post on the things we get asked.
I think I have done enough rambling. Here are a few more pictures:

Eating some oatmeal in our new booster seats

She's not very modest, is she?

Whenever Riley gets really upset or really happy she just kicks and kicks her right leg so we have taken to calling her Thumper. This is her meeting her namesake.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Damn you, Angelina Jolie!

I go back and forth with how I feel about my post-pregnancy body. Some days I feel pretty good that I am only a few pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight. Other days I feel like this pudgy muffin top has taken up permanent residence and I should just resign myself to a life of loose, flowy tops.

A little over a month ago, I finally started exercising again and I was getting into a good routine. I was feeling good and thought I was starting to see some improvement. Then I went back to work and it's all gone to hell. It's hard to find the time or energy to workout during the week (and I am fully aware that if I exercised I would have more energy).  I managed to get up once to exercise before work. I even bought  a Jullian Michaels DVD because the workouts are only 24 minutes. It's hard to make excuses when it's only 24 minutes and yet I still make them.  I am managing to go to  Stroller Strides on Saturdays at least.  I get to take the babies and they usually sleep so I do actually get a workout.

Today was one of those days where I don't really care about the pudge or even  think its possible to get back in shape.  Then when I was walking back to my office from lunch I saw Angelina Jolie.  For some reason, it hit me right as I saw her that she had twins.


It is possible.

I'm back to being motivated. 40 is just a few months away and I would like to go into it feeling good about myself.  I would like to fit into all of my old clothes again. I can do this!

Monday, March 3, 2014

Stupid Boobs

I guess I never really followed up on my  breastfeeding post. After a couple of half-assed attempts to make it work, I gave up breastfeeding months ago. Correction - I gave up nursing months ago. I am still breast feeding. They just get it in a bottle. I pump. A lot. All together I spend about 2 1/2 - 3 hours a day hooked up to the pump and I still don't produce enough milk for both of them. I hate it. It's not comfortable and my nipples are constantly sore. I only continue to do it because I feel like I don't have a valid reason not to. Or at least all my reasons feel incredibly selfish. It's not that I have a problem with formula because they now get 2 bottles of formula a day. I just feel like since I can, I should give them as much breastilk as possible. SH has been home this entire time which allows me to pump while he tends to the babies. 
My goal was to make it to 6 months and then I would reasses and decide if I wanted to continue. I will hit the 6 month mark in 2 weeks and I have no idea what I want to do. I was thinking I could probably manage this a little longer. I went back to work a couple weeks ago (yes, despite all my talk of wanting to stay home. I got an offer I couldn't pass up. That needs it's own post, for sure) and I am working on a very family friendly studio lot so they have "wellness rooms" for nursing mothers. It's awkward to excuse myself to pump since I am working with guys and I don't really want them thinking about my boobs, but I am able to comfortably do it twice while at work. I also pump once before work and once before bed. That seems to be enough to give them a majority of breast milk. It's all seems very doable for another few months. Not enjoyable, but doable. I was ready to extend the rental on my hospital pump.
Then yesterday I got a clogged milk duct. This is the third time I have had this and the second time it's caused a fever of 101 degrees and awful body aches. I actually had to leave work at lunch today because I felt so bad. It is ridiculously painful and the way to treat it is to massage it out which is, of course, excruciating. Thankfully, it hasn't turned into mastitis and it seems to clear up without antibiotics. I also think I still have a mild case of thrush I have never been able to completely get rid of. Seriously, boobs? Why do you have to be such assholes?
Now I don't know what to do. I can't deal with this again. I will hit my 6 month goal and I am happy about that because there have been days (weeks?) where I thought I wouldn't make it. I am ready to completely have my body back. Breast feeding has not been a good experience for me and I think I am ready to be done. I need to be done wearing a bra 24 hours a day because my boobs are so heavy. I need it not to hurt when the seatbelt brushes across my boob. I need my boobs to not be a topic of conversation with strangers because they want to know if I am breast feeding (FYI, random person I have never met, that is none of your business). I want to exercise without having to hold my boobs down.
Hmmm, maybe I do know what I want to do and I just need to stop feeling guilty about it.

*i typed this on my phone so there are probably a ridiculous amount of typos. Sorry.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Finding joy

I feel like a fog has been lifted. Pregnancy and babies do not immediately wipe away the years of struggle and infertility. At least not for me. I haven't wanted to write about it because I feel like it makes me seem ungrateful. How can I be anything but happy? But, it's only now, at 4 months, that I am starting to feel real joy. I'm finally starting to just enjoy what's in front of me instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future (um...I still do those things...I just seem to be better at getting rid of those thoughts once they show up).

After finally getting over all the crazy emotions of their early delivery and time in the NICU, I found myself getting sad over their milestones. Everything seemed so bittersweet - growing out of their newborn clothes, smiling, cooing - because it's so unlikely that I will have another baby and this is the only time I will get to experience these "firsts".  I was really missing the tiny preemies I brought home. Then I was getting sad because I was sad. I wanted to just be happy and I couldn't understand why I wasn't. Now? I am finally finding that happiness. Even the bittersweet feelings have passed (though I am sure I will go through that again at times) and I am reveling in all the new things they do. I am loving how much they interact with us now. I feel such pride when they smile and giggle or actually manage to grab a toy.

Some things that make my heart melt...

  • Sometimes when Paige is upset, I can calm her just by holding her hand.
  • I find it hilarious that such tiny humans can have such loud farts.
  • When I put them on their tummies on the boppies and let them face each other they start smiling and cooing and it sounds like they are having a conversation.
  • Riley's legs start kicking a mile a minute when we put her down on her back. It's like she's trying to run a marathon.
  • When I pick them up now, they will wrap their tiny arms around my arm or my neck. If they are really tired they will snuggle their head into my neck.
  • How determined they look as they try to figure out how to grab their toys and how tight they hold on once they get it.
  • Riley's pout right before she starts to cry. It's the cutest and saddest thing. That is going to be hard to say no to when she is older.
  • The giant smiles when we get them out of bed in the morning.

I could go on and on, but that would probably only be interesting for me. I just felt the need to put something positive on this blog. I only seem to write about the negative feelings. So, here is some happiness. And some pictures.

Ready for the Super Bowl!

What do you mean this isn't the right way to sleep in this thing?


Tummy time rockstars! Paige finally got on board.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Problem solved?

I accidentally picked this up in the grocery store today:

All that time and money spent on IVF and the solution to my infertility was at Trader Joe's the whole time. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

To work or not to work

Happy New Year!

I was a little sad to see 2013 end. I don't think I have ever felt like that at the end of a year. I am usually glad to see the previous year end, or at least am excited about the possibilities of the new year. I don't make resolutions, but January always feels like a fresh start for me. For obvious reasons, 2013 was my best year yet. It was the year I finally (!) got pregnant. It was the year my daughters were born. I sort of wanted to stay there a little longer.

I know 2014 will bring lots of great things as I watch these girls grow and discover the world. I'm excited for all of it - the sitting up and rolling over and crawling and walking. Every milestone is a little bittersweet, though. It's most likely the only time I will get to experience raising a baby and I want it to stop going by so fast. I just want to savor every moment and sometimes it's hard for me to slow down and do that. Another reason time needs to slow down? 2014 is the year I turn 40. I am so not ready for that. So. Not. Ready.

2014 is also full of uncertainty. SH and I both work freelance in the film industry. The upside to that is we have both been able to be home with the girls this whole time. The bad side is our jobs usually take us away from home for long stretches. So we decided that, for now, only one of us will work at a time and the other will be the stay-at-home parent. Daycare or a nanny for two is pretty expensive in Los Angeles so instead of spending most of an income to have someone else watch our kids, we figured one of us might as well stay home. At least for a little while. I don't think we can make it on one income for too long. Whoever gets a job first will take it and if it's on location we just pack up the whole family and go. This way we can all be together.  The problem is, this makes it really hard to make plans more than a week or two in advance. I can't plan something for next month because I have no idea where I will be. It's frustrating. We have a few years where we can keep traveling, but once the girls are in school we need to stay put somewhere. I'm ready to stay put now, but we need some time to figure out how to switch into "real" jobs.

Another problem is, I am having a really hard time actually applying for jobs. Or letting all my work contacts know I am ready to work again. I just can't imagine going back to work now. That could change. Maybe I'm just not ready. Maybe in a few months or a year I will be dying to get out and spend the day with adults or maybe I won't. The weird thing is, I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I always planned on working. I'm a little surprised by how much I want to NOT work. So, I told SH I am holding off on my job search to give him a chance to get one first. If something doesn't come up for him soon, I'll start my search (because my plan of winning the lottery hasn't panned out), but I want to be the one to stay home. I don't want to miss anything. Ugh. I just really don't know what to do.