Thursday, January 30, 2014

Finding joy

I feel like a fog has been lifted. Pregnancy and babies do not immediately wipe away the years of struggle and infertility. At least not for me. I haven't wanted to write about it because I feel like it makes me seem ungrateful. How can I be anything but happy? But, it's only now, at 4 months, that I am starting to feel real joy. I'm finally starting to just enjoy what's in front of me instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future (um...I still do those things...I just seem to be better at getting rid of those thoughts once they show up).

After finally getting over all the crazy emotions of their early delivery and time in the NICU, I found myself getting sad over their milestones. Everything seemed so bittersweet - growing out of their newborn clothes, smiling, cooing - because it's so unlikely that I will have another baby and this is the only time I will get to experience these "firsts".  I was really missing the tiny preemies I brought home. Then I was getting sad because I was sad. I wanted to just be happy and I couldn't understand why I wasn't. Now? I am finally finding that happiness. Even the bittersweet feelings have passed (though I am sure I will go through that again at times) and I am reveling in all the new things they do. I am loving how much they interact with us now. I feel such pride when they smile and giggle or actually manage to grab a toy.

Some things that make my heart melt...

  • Sometimes when Paige is upset, I can calm her just by holding her hand.
  • I find it hilarious that such tiny humans can have such loud farts.
  • When I put them on their tummies on the boppies and let them face each other they start smiling and cooing and it sounds like they are having a conversation.
  • Riley's legs start kicking a mile a minute when we put her down on her back. It's like she's trying to run a marathon.
  • When I pick them up now, they will wrap their tiny arms around my arm or my neck. If they are really tired they will snuggle their head into my neck.
  • How determined they look as they try to figure out how to grab their toys and how tight they hold on once they get it.
  • Riley's pout right before she starts to cry. It's the cutest and saddest thing. That is going to be hard to say no to when she is older.
  • The giant smiles when we get them out of bed in the morning.

I could go on and on, but that would probably only be interesting for me. I just felt the need to put something positive on this blog. I only seem to write about the negative feelings. So, here is some happiness. And some pictures.

Ready for the Super Bowl!

What do you mean this isn't the right way to sleep in this thing?


Tummy time rockstars! Paige finally got on board.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Problem solved?

I accidentally picked this up in the grocery store today:

All that time and money spent on IVF and the solution to my infertility was at Trader Joe's the whole time. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

To work or not to work

Happy New Year!

I was a little sad to see 2013 end. I don't think I have ever felt like that at the end of a year. I am usually glad to see the previous year end, or at least am excited about the possibilities of the new year. I don't make resolutions, but January always feels like a fresh start for me. For obvious reasons, 2013 was my best year yet. It was the year I finally (!) got pregnant. It was the year my daughters were born. I sort of wanted to stay there a little longer.

I know 2014 will bring lots of great things as I watch these girls grow and discover the world. I'm excited for all of it - the sitting up and rolling over and crawling and walking. Every milestone is a little bittersweet, though. It's most likely the only time I will get to experience raising a baby and I want it to stop going by so fast. I just want to savor every moment and sometimes it's hard for me to slow down and do that. Another reason time needs to slow down? 2014 is the year I turn 40. I am so not ready for that. So. Not. Ready.

2014 is also full of uncertainty. SH and I both work freelance in the film industry. The upside to that is we have both been able to be home with the girls this whole time. The bad side is our jobs usually take us away from home for long stretches. So we decided that, for now, only one of us will work at a time and the other will be the stay-at-home parent. Daycare or a nanny for two is pretty expensive in Los Angeles so instead of spending most of an income to have someone else watch our kids, we figured one of us might as well stay home. At least for a little while. I don't think we can make it on one income for too long. Whoever gets a job first will take it and if it's on location we just pack up the whole family and go. This way we can all be together.  The problem is, this makes it really hard to make plans more than a week or two in advance. I can't plan something for next month because I have no idea where I will be. It's frustrating. We have a few years where we can keep traveling, but once the girls are in school we need to stay put somewhere. I'm ready to stay put now, but we need some time to figure out how to switch into "real" jobs.

Another problem is, I am having a really hard time actually applying for jobs. Or letting all my work contacts know I am ready to work again. I just can't imagine going back to work now. That could change. Maybe I'm just not ready. Maybe in a few months or a year I will be dying to get out and spend the day with adults or maybe I won't. The weird thing is, I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I always planned on working. I'm a little surprised by how much I want to NOT work. So, I told SH I am holding off on my job search to give him a chance to get one first. If something doesn't come up for him soon, I'll start my search (because my plan of winning the lottery hasn't panned out), but I want to be the one to stay home. I don't want to miss anything. Ugh. I just really don't know what to do.