Thursday, January 30, 2014

Finding joy

I feel like a fog has been lifted. Pregnancy and babies do not immediately wipe away the years of struggle and infertility. At least not for me. I haven't wanted to write about it because I feel like it makes me seem ungrateful. How can I be anything but happy? But, it's only now, at 4 months, that I am starting to feel real joy. I'm finally starting to just enjoy what's in front of me instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future (um...I still do those things...I just seem to be better at getting rid of those thoughts once they show up).

After finally getting over all the crazy emotions of their early delivery and time in the NICU, I found myself getting sad over their milestones. Everything seemed so bittersweet - growing out of their newborn clothes, smiling, cooing - because it's so unlikely that I will have another baby and this is the only time I will get to experience these "firsts".  I was really missing the tiny preemies I brought home. Then I was getting sad because I was sad. I wanted to just be happy and I couldn't understand why I wasn't. Now? I am finally finding that happiness. Even the bittersweet feelings have passed (though I am sure I will go through that again at times) and I am reveling in all the new things they do. I am loving how much they interact with us now. I feel such pride when they smile and giggle or actually manage to grab a toy.

Some things that make my heart melt...

  • Sometimes when Paige is upset, I can calm her just by holding her hand.
  • I find it hilarious that such tiny humans can have such loud farts.
  • When I put them on their tummies on the boppies and let them face each other they start smiling and cooing and it sounds like they are having a conversation.
  • Riley's legs start kicking a mile a minute when we put her down on her back. It's like she's trying to run a marathon.
  • When I pick them up now, they will wrap their tiny arms around my arm or my neck. If they are really tired they will snuggle their head into my neck.
  • How determined they look as they try to figure out how to grab their toys and how tight they hold on once they get it.
  • Riley's pout right before she starts to cry. It's the cutest and saddest thing. That is going to be hard to say no to when she is older.
  • The giant smiles when we get them out of bed in the morning.

I could go on and on, but that would probably only be interesting for me. I just felt the need to put something positive on this blog. I only seem to write about the negative feelings. So, here is some happiness. And some pictures.

Ready for the Super Bowl!

What do you mean this isn't the right way to sleep in this thing?


Tummy time rockstars! Paige finally got on board.


  1. Awwww the picture of them holding hands melts my heart! So adorable!

  2. I agree the one of them holding hands couldn't be cuter! SO sweet!

  3. aww they are so cute! thanks for sharing your happiness with us! and it is a good reminder that having babies does not wipe away the years of struggle and create instant bliss!

  4. Do you think that maybe the sadness was mild postpartum depression? Not to say feeling blue that you will only have these firsts once isn't legit, just wondering. Either way, I'm glad you're feeling better and I think your babies are too adorable for words!

  5. Aww! How cute! They are definitely going to BFF growing up.

  6. "Then I was getting sad because I was sad." I know this isn't really funny when it's happening, but it made me laugh because I totally get it. I think as Aramis commented above, there is something hormonal to it, because I too am emerging into this happy state. There is so much going on in the first few we are getting a rhythm and figuring stuff out. Plus, our hormones are regulating!

    -Oh, and I LOVE when he snuggles his head into my neck too :)

  7. Love this! Thanks for sharing the pics, too. They are adorable!

  8. Love the tummy time pic. One of my girls still hasn't totally embraced tummy time yet. The hand holding is so precious. Glad you are feeling more positive.

  9. Baby farts are hilarious! And I must say, powerfully smelly. How is that possible from such tiny babies? I absolutely love the yummy time picture. They are sooooo cute! And twins holding hands? Yeah, that pretty much melts any twin momma's heart.

  10. Love this honest post! Beautiful pics and update on you and the babes.

  11. Very Cute Post (especially about the farts!)
    Happy I found your blog!

  12. Wow. These pictures are adorable!!!