Happy New Year!
I was a little sad to see 2013 end. I don't think I have ever felt like that at the end of a year. I am usually glad to see the previous year end, or at least am excited about the possibilities of the new year. I don't make resolutions, but January always feels like a fresh start for me. For obvious reasons, 2013 was my best year yet. It was the year I finally (!) got pregnant. It was the year my daughters were born. I sort of wanted to stay there a little longer.
I know 2014 will bring lots of great things as I watch these girls grow and discover the world. I'm excited for all of it - the sitting up and rolling over and crawling and walking. Every milestone is a little bittersweet, though. It's most likely the only time I will get to experience raising a baby and I want it to stop going by so fast. I just want to savor every moment and sometimes it's hard for me to slow down and do that. Another reason time needs to slow down? 2014 is the year I turn 40. I am so not ready for that. So. Not. Ready.
2014 is also full of uncertainty. SH and I both work freelance in the film industry. The upside to that is we have both been able to be home with the girls this whole time. The bad side is our jobs usually take us away from home for long stretches. So we decided that, for now, only one of us will work at a time and the other will be the stay-at-home parent. Daycare or a nanny for two is pretty expensive in Los Angeles so instead of spending most of an income to have someone else watch our kids, we figured one of us might as well stay home. At least for a little while. I don't think we can make it on one income for too long. Whoever gets a job first will take it and if it's on location we just pack up the whole family and go. This way we can all be together. The problem is, this makes it really hard to make plans more than a week or two in advance. I can't plan something for next month because I have no idea where I will be. It's frustrating. We have a few years where we can keep traveling, but once the girls are in school we need to stay put somewhere. I'm ready to stay put now, but we need some time to figure out how to switch into "real" jobs.
Another problem is, I am having a really hard time actually applying for jobs. Or letting all my work contacts know I am ready to work again. I just can't imagine going back to work now. That could change. Maybe I'm just not ready. Maybe in a few months or a year I will be dying to get out and spend the day with adults or maybe I won't. The weird thing is, I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I always planned on working. I'm a little surprised by how much I want to NOT work. So, I told SH I am holding off on my job search to give him a chance to get one first. If something doesn't come up for him soon, I'll start my search (because my plan of winning the lottery hasn't panned out), but I want to be the one to stay home. I don't want to miss anything. Ugh. I just really don't know what to do.