Friday, January 10, 2014

To work or not to work

Happy New Year!

I was a little sad to see 2013 end. I don't think I have ever felt like that at the end of a year. I am usually glad to see the previous year end, or at least am excited about the possibilities of the new year. I don't make resolutions, but January always feels like a fresh start for me. For obvious reasons, 2013 was my best year yet. It was the year I finally (!) got pregnant. It was the year my daughters were born. I sort of wanted to stay there a little longer.

I know 2014 will bring lots of great things as I watch these girls grow and discover the world. I'm excited for all of it - the sitting up and rolling over and crawling and walking. Every milestone is a little bittersweet, though. It's most likely the only time I will get to experience raising a baby and I want it to stop going by so fast. I just want to savor every moment and sometimes it's hard for me to slow down and do that. Another reason time needs to slow down? 2014 is the year I turn 40. I am so not ready for that. So. Not. Ready.

2014 is also full of uncertainty. SH and I both work freelance in the film industry. The upside to that is we have both been able to be home with the girls this whole time. The bad side is our jobs usually take us away from home for long stretches. So we decided that, for now, only one of us will work at a time and the other will be the stay-at-home parent. Daycare or a nanny for two is pretty expensive in Los Angeles so instead of spending most of an income to have someone else watch our kids, we figured one of us might as well stay home. At least for a little while. I don't think we can make it on one income for too long. Whoever gets a job first will take it and if it's on location we just pack up the whole family and go. This way we can all be together.  The problem is, this makes it really hard to make plans more than a week or two in advance. I can't plan something for next month because I have no idea where I will be. It's frustrating. We have a few years where we can keep traveling, but once the girls are in school we need to stay put somewhere. I'm ready to stay put now, but we need some time to figure out how to switch into "real" jobs.

Another problem is, I am having a really hard time actually applying for jobs. Or letting all my work contacts know I am ready to work again. I just can't imagine going back to work now. That could change. Maybe I'm just not ready. Maybe in a few months or a year I will be dying to get out and spend the day with adults or maybe I won't. The weird thing is, I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I always planned on working. I'm a little surprised by how much I want to NOT work. So, I told SH I am holding off on my job search to give him a chance to get one first. If something doesn't come up for him soon, I'll start my search (because my plan of winning the lottery hasn't panned out), but I want to be the one to stay home. I don't want to miss anything. Ugh. I just really don't know what to do.


  1. I hear ya... My babies aren't even close to being here yet (fingers crossed for lots more growth!) and I already want to quit my job. Ugh!

  2. 17.5 weeks pregnant and I'm already wrestling with this issue. We definitely need two incomes to survive... my astronomical student loan bills make sure of that - so I will be going back to work, it's really just a question of "where." I'm a writer, which means I can technically work from home, but my current job does not allow for such an arrangement. So in the meantime I'm stuck dreading that moment that I'll have to go back. At least I assume it will be that way. Maybe I'll be the opposite and crave the adult time, like you said. I do have my sister willing to watch the little one while I'm at work, which is nice because obviously I trust her and she'll be good about sending photos and updates whenever I need them.

    Good luck with your decision, I know it's not easy. And if you figure out a foolproof way of winning the lottery, please let me know.

  3. I can't imagine being able to go back to work. I say, go with your mommy gut and do what you feel most comfortable with. God will always provide.

    1. God will always provide, as in if you can't afford it, you have to work! Putting yourself in financial distress, plugging into tax payers dollars (via food stamps) is selfish and irresponsible. You can't go with your gut if you can't afford it. God provides yes, by giving you a means to go out and earn it. It's harsh, but come on, you can't just be a stay at home because that is what your gut says.

  4. Oh I completely understand this post. I have no idea how I am going to go back to work in less than two months. Although we have a great nanny share situation, it just seems crazy to think of leaving him with someone else . I will miss so much! And what will it be like for him? On the other hand, my career has always been so important to me and I never wanted to be a stay at home mom either. I am hoping my boss will agree to part time. Fingers crossed :/

  5. I've never even considered not going back to work, but I also think that may be because the idea of having babies is so far off as well. I never pictured myself as a SAHM either, but I have lots of friends who said that when they had their kids it's all they wanted all of a sudden. We definitely couldn't afford it though. Glad you have that option for a while!

  6. I totally understand. You finally have your baby girls…its understandable that it'd be hard for your to levee them. Hoping 2014 finds hubby an amazing job so you can stay home.

  7. I turn the magical (not) 40 in 2014 also. Ugh. It's okay. We aren't old. (are we?). I don't want to go back to work either. I still have two more months to see if we will be able to swing it. The thing is, with twins, it might not remotely be worth it if all we are doing is making enough money to pay for day care!