My goal was to make it to 6 months and then I would reasses and decide if I wanted to continue. I will hit the 6 month mark in 2 weeks and I have no idea what I want to do. I was thinking I could probably manage this a little longer. I went back to work a couple weeks ago (yes, despite all my talk of wanting to stay home. I got an offer I couldn't pass up. That needs it's own post, for sure) and I am working on a very family friendly studio lot so they have "wellness rooms" for nursing mothers. It's awkward to excuse myself to pump since I am working with guys and I don't really want them thinking about my boobs, but I am able to comfortably do it twice while at work. I also pump once before work and once before bed. That seems to be enough to give them a majority of breast milk. It's all seems very doable for another few months. Not enjoyable, but doable. I was ready to extend the rental on my hospital pump.
Then yesterday I got a clogged milk duct. This is the third time I have had this and the second time it's caused a fever of 101 degrees and awful body aches. I actually had to leave work at lunch today because I felt so bad. It is ridiculously painful and the way to treat it is to massage it out which is, of course, excruciating. Thankfully, it hasn't turned into mastitis and it seems to clear up without antibiotics. I also think I still have a mild case of thrush I have never been able to completely get rid of. Seriously, boobs? Why do you have to be such assholes?
Now I don't know what to do. I can't deal with this again. I will hit my 6 month goal and I am happy about that because there have been days (weeks?) where I thought I wouldn't make it. I am ready to completely have my body back. Breast feeding has not been a good experience for me and I think I am ready to be done. I need to be done wearing a bra 24 hours a day because my boobs are so heavy. I need it not to hurt when the seatbelt brushes across my boob. I need my boobs to not be a topic of conversation with strangers because they want to know if I am breast feeding (FYI, random person I have never met, that is none of your business). I want to exercise without having to hold my boobs down.
Hmmm, maybe I do know what I want to do and I just need to stop feeling guilty about it.
*i typed this on my phone so there are probably a ridiculous amount of typos. Sorry.