Monday, March 3, 2014

Stupid Boobs

I guess I never really followed up on my  breastfeeding post. After a couple of half-assed attempts to make it work, I gave up breastfeeding months ago. Correction - I gave up nursing months ago. I am still breast feeding. They just get it in a bottle. I pump. A lot. All together I spend about 2 1/2 - 3 hours a day hooked up to the pump and I still don't produce enough milk for both of them. I hate it. It's not comfortable and my nipples are constantly sore. I only continue to do it because I feel like I don't have a valid reason not to. Or at least all my reasons feel incredibly selfish. It's not that I have a problem with formula because they now get 2 bottles of formula a day. I just feel like since I can, I should give them as much breastilk as possible. SH has been home this entire time which allows me to pump while he tends to the babies. 
My goal was to make it to 6 months and then I would reasses and decide if I wanted to continue. I will hit the 6 month mark in 2 weeks and I have no idea what I want to do. I was thinking I could probably manage this a little longer. I went back to work a couple weeks ago (yes, despite all my talk of wanting to stay home. I got an offer I couldn't pass up. That needs it's own post, for sure) and I am working on a very family friendly studio lot so they have "wellness rooms" for nursing mothers. It's awkward to excuse myself to pump since I am working with guys and I don't really want them thinking about my boobs, but I am able to comfortably do it twice while at work. I also pump once before work and once before bed. That seems to be enough to give them a majority of breast milk. It's all seems very doable for another few months. Not enjoyable, but doable. I was ready to extend the rental on my hospital pump.
Then yesterday I got a clogged milk duct. This is the third time I have had this and the second time it's caused a fever of 101 degrees and awful body aches. I actually had to leave work at lunch today because I felt so bad. It is ridiculously painful and the way to treat it is to massage it out which is, of course, excruciating. Thankfully, it hasn't turned into mastitis and it seems to clear up without antibiotics. I also think I still have a mild case of thrush I have never been able to completely get rid of. Seriously, boobs? Why do you have to be such assholes?
Now I don't know what to do. I can't deal with this again. I will hit my 6 month goal and I am happy about that because there have been days (weeks?) where I thought I wouldn't make it. I am ready to completely have my body back. Breast feeding has not been a good experience for me and I think I am ready to be done. I need to be done wearing a bra 24 hours a day because my boobs are so heavy. I need it not to hurt when the seatbelt brushes across my boob. I need my boobs to not be a topic of conversation with strangers because they want to know if I am breast feeding (FYI, random person I have never met, that is none of your business). I want to exercise without having to hold my boobs down.
Hmmm, maybe I do know what I want to do and I just need to stop feeling guilty about it.

*i typed this on my phone so there are probably a ridiculous amount of typos. Sorry.

13 comments:

  1. I always said I could never just pump. You are my hero! Making it to 6 months is a huge accomplishment. Congrats mama!!

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  2. I'm so impressed that you've made it six months! I know it can be difficult and time consuming to nurse, but at least that gives snuggling time with baby. I'm sure snuggling with a boob-sucking machine for 3 hours a day is a little less fun. Whatever you choose to do, don't feel guilty. You've sacrificed a lot to make it this far, I'm sure you'll make the best decision for your babies and yourself!

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  3. I'm currently pumping for my four-month old twins. I had decided before they were born that I was only going to pump, which I think has helped my mindset with not hating it so much. My older son had trouble latching and I ended up exclusively pumping for him by default. I hated it too, because I had a totally different view about how breastfeeding was going to be and that didn't pan out. I really resented my pump with him. This time I'm not stressing if they aren't getting 100% breastmilk, and I currently supplement 1-2 bottles per day depending on my output. I mean, we are trying to feed two babies here! :)

    Six months is a major accomplishment! You should be proud of every single drop you've given them, and don't feel guilty or selfish for deciding to stop. If you do decide to keep going, though, I've found that taking soy lecithin 1-2 times per day has helped me to not get clogged ducts this time around. I got them quite often with my son.

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  4. 6 months sounds like a great milestone to me!! maybe you should re-read your post and see if your decision becomes more clear!

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  5. You have overcome so many breast feeding obstacles to do it for as long as you have. There is absolutely no shame to wean after 6 months. None! You have done an amazing job.

    I'm thinking good thoughts for you as you finalize decision.

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  6. 6 months is GREAT! Especially with twins!

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  7. They may be assholes, but your boobs have managed to feed TWO babies for SIX months. That's pretty awesome. Whatever you do next is totally your decision, and you shouldn't feel guilty (and don't let anyone else make you feel that way either!).

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  8. This must be a tough decision, but you're right in saying that you probably already know what you want to do. It's just something that will potentially expose you to judgment from other moms, since (from what I've heard) some of them can get ridiculously in-your-face about their own personal parenting choices and the "right" way to do things. You do you, lady.

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  9. Many congrats for making it 6 months!! That is a huge and momentous thing. No matter what you decide from here, be kind to yourself and your baby that you have gone through so much to produce that milk. I, personally, didn't make it 6 months with nursing/pumping/clogged ducts, etc. I actually started getting 3-4 plugged ducts PER DAY. It was absolutely horrible (generally without fever). Anyways, the constant massage, the showers, the heat, time away from the screaming baby who needed me, was all too much. All I did all day was play with my boobs! But you are AWESOME!! Congrats Mama.

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  10. So many people have issues with breastfeeding, I am so impressed you made it to 6 months because I don't know if I would have stuck with it! Don't feel guilty if you decide to stop nursing, you've done an amazing job!!

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  11. I got clogged ducts all the time with kid#1, but only once with kid#2 (going on 10 months old now). It ended up that when I was pumping with her I was using too small of pump flanges - I had no idea until someone pointed it out to me when my son was born! I got at least 1 per month with her that would take at least 24 hours to go away and it was m-i-s-e-r-a-b-l-e. Might be worth a shot if you had any inclination to keep going. I think going this long with twins is an incredible accomplishment!

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  12. Obviously, I have idea about the challenges you're facing breastfeeding. But I think you've done a great job and shouldn't feel guilty if you're ready to stop. Hope you find peace about this issue my friend.

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  13. Having been there and only lasting one month, I totally understand how hard it is! Reading this makes me wonder if I should have continued with pumping only. The problem was I didn't produce enough milk though and it hardly seemed worth all the work I was putting I for so little outcome. You are a rock star for making it as long as you did, and I think that's great you were able to get so much without having to pump the recommended 8 times per day!

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