I am very much on the fence about whether or not I want a third baby. Or maybe I should say try for a third baby since this 40 year old infertile doesn't get to make decisions like that about her life. Actually, that's not true. I know I don't want to "try" for one. I don't want to do any more fertility treatments. No more IVF.
I'm also not ready to close the door on the possibility of more kids. That's one of the reasons I haven't gone back on birth control. It can happen, right? I really could go either way. I am very happy with the two I have and only really imagined having two kids. I wouldn't be disappointed if I never got pregnant again. There are plenty of reasons I can think of to have one. There are also plenty I can think of not to have one. Most of those are
practical and financial. I want to travel with my kids and that seems
possible with two. It seems like chaos with three. However, SH would like another, so I am keeping the option open. So, in the unlikely scenario of me getting pregnant naturally, I would welcome another baby. It's a win-win situation, really.
Even though I'm not trying to get pregnant, I am still very much aware of when I am ovulating. I spent so many years keep track of it, it just seems like a normal thing to do now. I'm not peeing on any sticks, but I know all the signs at this point. I'm not timing sex around ovulating, but I am very much aware of the times sex and ovulation coincide. This was one of those months. Other than the day it happened, I didn't think about that at all until this week when my period was late. Ever since my period came back after pregnancy, my cycle has been super regular (another reason not to go back on BC - I'm doing fine without it). Mostly it's 28 days, occasionally 27 or 29. So when it didn't start on time, my mind started working on overdrive. I knew I wasn't pregnant. 99.5% of my being knew I wasn't pregnant, but there was that tiny "what if?" rolling around in my head. All those old 2WW feelings came back. I couldn't decide whether to take a pregnancy or just wait it out. I felt ridiculous even considering a pregnancy test. I feel ridiculous telling all of you I considered taking a pregnancy test.
I woke up this morning to yet another completely clean panty liner so decided to just take the damn test to quiet the little voice in my head. I have a bunch of leftover tests anyway. Might as well pee on them, right? Spoiler alert: the test was negative. (I bet you thought this post was going to have a surprise twist, didn't you?) Frankly, I'm relieved. I never thought in a million years I would be relieved to see one line on a pregnancy test. Even if I do manage to have another, I'm not ready yet. I realize I don't have time or fertility on my side, but I'm not ready. I would have to move out of my 2 bedroom apartment. I would definitely have to buy a minivan. I am not prepared to do those things in the next 9 months.
The funny thing? I sat on the toilet while waiting for the test results. When my lack of pregnancy was confirmed, I wiped and lo and behold, there was my period.
I wonder if this will ever stop. I suppose living in this maybe/maybe not place isn't helping. I'm basically back in the "not trying not preventing" early days of our fertility journey. I suppose going on birth control or making the decision that we don't want anymore would help. I don't want to do that, though. I may not be ready for another baby right now, but I'm also not ready to close the door on the idea of one.